Unless you live under a rock you’d have probably realised the Grammys were this last week. I find them probably the worst of all the award shows, but kind of the best also in that there’s no shortage of horrific styling and vomit-inducing performances by people you thought had died but unfortunately hadn’t.
So a Top 5 most hated things about the Grammys? EASY.
No 5: Beyoncé’s performance of Drunk in Love
Before anyone rips the hair from my scalp for shading the greatest human of all time (Beyoncé), let it be known that I am an enormous fan and regularly make sacrifices to our Lady and Saviour-ess, Queen Bey. However, after the life-shattering surprise album drop (which was rumoured to have brought the dead back to life and sent both Kelly and Michelle into clinical depression), I kind of expected something a little more from her? Perhaps a booty-licious mash-up of her best songs Yonce and Partition, or perhaps some epic career-spanning mega performance like during the 2013 Super Bowl show which made Madge’s previous Super Bowl performance look like the one your aunt drunkenly does, slurring through a Sunday karaoke show at the local RSL. Actually, did she even need to do much? How COULD you have done better, Beyoncé? You slid around a spinning platform atop a chair with wet hair, sexily smiling at your lesser co-artists nonchalantly as a way of saying, “I don’t need to do much to slay yo’ weak careers”. Forget that, Beyoncé – you done did that, “Slay Queen”.
No 4: Taylor Swift’s dancing
Even before the Grammys had finished, my Tumblr dashboard was inundated with gifs and videos of Taylor Swift’s horrific “Dad at a party” style dance moves. As much as I enjoy a T-Swizzle tune, I must say I haven’t seen a whiter display of poorly executed dance moves since Miley Cyrus’ failed twerking performance last year. When Beyoncé blessed the crowd with her Drunk in Love performance, Taylor could be seen swatting invisible flies and exorcising herself of demons in the front row in another failed attempt at proving to the world that she’s not the reason guys keep dumping her.
No 3: Where are the stylists? (5 Worst dressed)
(Takes deep breath)
Ariana Grande – Looks like she got lost on the way to a blind girl’s spring time Quinceanera. Someone really needs to tell her that when nearing thirty you should stop wearing half-up clip-on ponytails and a pearl necklace to avoid looking like the bait girl child actress they use on To Catch a Predator.
Pharell – For someone with so much room in their hat you’d think you would utilise that space by, I don’t know, maybe packing a better Grammys outfit into it so you didn’t have to wear the same clothes you wore to the mall earlier?
Natasha Beddingfield – Straight up looks like she escaped from a weird Scandanavian cult that drains you of your pigment and forces you to dress like the newest femme lesbian character on Orange is the New Black. Dig the bangs tho.
Katy Perry – Wore a white Valentino gown with all the music notes she can’t sing live printed on its skirt. As much as I love her, she looks like the human version of the Holiday Edition Barbie you don’t want because it just looks sad, like the look on your mum’s face the first Christmas after your dad left her.
Lorde – Props on the Grammy win but I feel you chose the wrong night to simultaneously go through your “I work an office job and am trying to look young even though I can no longer bear children” and your “Pansexual Goth Girl” phases. When in doubt, wear black. Except this time.
No 2: The controversial mass gay wedding
Probably one of the biggest songs of last year, Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan “what does he even contribute” Lewis was performed on the night during which Queen Latifah magically appeared and started marrying 33 couples (mostly gay) on stage throughout the song, finishing with Madonna singing a slowed-down version of Open Your Heart. Unsurprisingly the stunt elicited both negative and positive responses, with some saying it was ‘cringey’ and others ‘beautiful’. OK so personally I found it to be a bit preachy and I feel, as a gay person, that the mass wedding was a little bit offensive even – like, I’m not easily offended but I feel like the wedding was more about grabbing attention than it was about celebrating the coming together of two people. I don’t think three straight people parading around on stage making a spectacle of homosexual marriage for the sake of views only harmed the idea of gay unions being accepted by modern society. The song itself I have found to be a bit confusing – a cisgendered white male singing about how hard it was for him assuming he was gay in the third grade (because he could draw and kept his room clean), who was quickly proven wrong by his mother, thank the heavens! It didn’t make me feel any better, growing up segregated by my fellow classmates, being bullied at school and at home for being different. Though I applaud him for trying to bring light to a battle that is far from over, I feel personally more embarrassed and segregated because of his using his being heterosexual and white and male as a way of saying “I thought I was gay once but mum said I wasn’t and even though I have no idea how hard it is to grow up gay, I’m going to tell my other straight white friends that I’m okay with it so they should be too because it will make them feel good.”
Kudos on making the conversation though guys, even if it was just for TV.
No 1: Madonna
Oh Madge. Poor deluded Madge. Fresh out of a scandal last week involving her posting a photo of her son Rocco on Instagram and hash tagging it #disnigga much to the disgust of myself and many others. The singer immediately took the photo down and released an “apology” defending her use of the word saying, “It was used as a term of endearment to my son who is white”.
Personally I’m tired of her thinking she’s being cutting edge. Tired of her thinking she’s able to use the racial slur simply because she adopted two African children before, who she then paraded (her son David) around at the Grammys in a matching suit sporting a pair of “Grillz” as her way of saying “Look everyone I’m not racist I have a Black son AND I wear grillz!” If anything, her being the mother of two African children should have made her think, “Hmmm better not use a racial slur as a ‘term of endearment’ to congratulate my white son.” While the word itself may be used in a specific fashion between people of African descent as a way of negating its negative connotations and reclaiming it as their own, I personally find it insensitive when used by people who aren’t themselves black, ie Madonna.
So please, love, stop trying to be hip on the internet and also stop using your children as symbols of your supposed “edginess” and slowly fade into the abyss that is the career of the ageing pop star.