There is so much publicity for organic food – eat organic eggs, drink organic milk, wipe your ass with organic ham.

I’m sick of it. Everyone gets on Jonathan Safran Foer’s Eating Animals like it’s some sort of god-send. I can’t deny there are some interesting, if concerning, parts regarding hygiene and mutated bacteria that our vaccines can’t keep up with, but  his whole moral assumption basically lies on two pillars – first, that inflicting pain on animals is bad; second, that we wouldn’t eat our pet dogs.

Well, f*ck you Jonathan Safran Foer. I don’t think eating dog is bad. If someone had a good recipe and I could get a hold of it, I would cook it. Or if they knew of a good restaurant that served it, I’d frequent it.  I’d buy dogs to eat, straight from the dogs’ farm. And I’d inform myself and watch the documentaries of the puppies getting thrown in big plastic bins like they do the chicklets and it wouldn’t make me happy, but I’d realise that if this is how we need to consume, even if it’s purely for pleasure, if this is the way we want to consume, the way that makes people happy, and provides a workforce and deepens some executive pockets, then so be it, I support it.

I support it and I support McDonald’s because I see that all this non-organic factory-farmed food provides a very basic happiness to people at a price point they can afford. These factories are doing a good job. When you have a kid who’s family is suffering economically and it’s his birthday and he wants to enjoy some chicken nuggets, his mum ought to be able to be able to buy them at a price point low enough that they can have a big meal. His dad ought to be able to treat him to a Happy Meal once in a while. They ought to have KFC bucket night over a Sunday night film.

And if our culture can broaden its gastronomic repertoire to include dog and horse, then all the better for it. Bring on Kentucky Fried Labrador. Enough with farming organic at a higher price point and then discarding all the secondary cuts or using them for pet food. Factory farm, but eat every last morsel that you can – make pickled offal, have congealed pork blood, eat the eyes, eat the brain, eat the tail. No more wastage.

Nose-to-tail dining shouldn’t be some hipster trend you have with a microbrewery beer –  it should be a way of sustaining the economy, and sustaining people, and creating happiness. Eat parts with bones around them. Eat the little liver from the KFC breast, the slivers of flesh between the ribs.

Obesity and poor health is the responsibility of the family or the individual. Having some Mickey Dee’s nuggets or Quarter Pounder, or a two-piece from KFC doesn’t mean wolfing it down four meals a day. Eat factory farmed processed food responsibly. It is everybody’s right.

Yes, there’s some level of cruelty, but no higher than if you go fishing yourself or hunt. Be proud that we live in a world capable of creating happiness and producing food with such efficiency instead of bemoaning the pain of these animals. Be proud of the technology and the crafty science. Too many people whine on about how ‘inhuman’ the practices are. C’mon – to be inhumane to an animal is no transgression. They are animals after all, not human. Have mercy on them, but choose humanity’s pleasure over that of beasts any day.

If it’s safe to eat, we should eat it responsibly: bring on the factories.

All hail the Colonel!

Mark was a contributor to The Age Good Food Guide 2013 and 2014.

N.B: This article is purely the opinion of the author and does not represent the opinions of TBS, its affiliates, representatives, employees or agents. 
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