Summer fashion – the year of dressing dangerously

This summer was a milestone for fashion.

Unfortunately, the milestone was about 25 miles backwards down the highway of fashion evolution. If you ventured out in the heat, you probably couldn’t see the jeggings for the high-cut jeans shorts.

So, let us venture down the memory lane of summer fashion and wander past those items that are taking the suburban beaches and juice lines in Westfield by storm…so you can mentally prepare yourself for not dialling the number for Child Protection Services when you see a pre-pubescent child in this clobber.

 

Underpants as pants

Thanks to Miley Cyrus’ twerking white trash routine, pants are optional. This is appropriate attire for grocery shopping, picking the kids up from school and Casual Friday at the office.

Marijuana-themed clothing

This is the perfect accessory to your life in a ‘wicked’ share-house in Surry Hills from where you Instagram your every waking moment. Remember though – the iconic leaf is really only appropriate for special occasions, like a semi-ironic rave house party.

Utilitarian coats

You can expect to shell out upwards of $500 for a basic coat that professes to be the pinnacle of functional aesthetics. Don’t worry, it is. Everyone can tell the difference between your expensive box-shaped poly-blend and a Lowes’ special.

Mesh, mesh, but not a stitch to wear

If you can’t see through it, what’s the point? There are no boundaries when it comes to mesh (literally). Hole-filled shirts, dresses, shorts and even underwear are being seen through everywhere. Is the mesh trend a reference to basketball culture? Is it high fashion? Is it flattering? Is it going to lead to weird tan lines? If you care about these things the trend may not be for you.

Stupid hats

These knit hats that look like a cross between a condom and a sock on your head are getting pretty big. Approximately 1/3 of the size of your body is what you should be going for, optimally. You can compensate for the fact that your head will overheat by wearing as little as possible everywhere else.

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It’s clear that the only way out of this is the approach taken by Barack and Michelle Obama when it comes to their children getting tattoos. They have told Sasha and Malia that if the girls get tattoos, their parents will get exactly the same one. Rebellion, consider yourself quashed. In the same vein, everyone needs to get all over these tweeny-bopper trends like a nasty rash.

If we all wear clothes that look like they came from the Salvos in SexyClown-ville then the trend-setters will be forced into long pants and sleeves, well-tailored clothes without holes in them, and complimentary colours and patterns.

Newtown, Marrickville, Collingwood and West Melbourne will never be the same again.

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