Sean Romero

Dennis Rodman: The next Hollywood superhero?

Dennis Rodman in north Korea with Kim Jong Un
EPA/KCNA

Time will tell, but Dennis Rodman might yet be the smartest man who ever lived.

Although my experience with the real world suggests he’ll probably just be lampooned as a goofball for all eternity.

To be fair, he’ll be a goofball with Kim Jong-un on speed dial, and I guess that’s something. Personally, I wouldn’t want the Supreme Leader in my phone contact list – it’s already volatile enough and I can do without the murderous rage.

We’re talking about this because the “United Nations Commission of Inquiry on Human Rights in North Korea” (the COI), headed by the Hon Michael Kirby, issued a report this week in which North Korea is revealed as a brutal state “that does not have any parallel in the contemporary world”. The COI has also issued to a letter to Kim in which he is warned of possible prosecution for crimes against humanity.

Before I proceed, I note that this is a very serious matter and I hope that peace and justice are soon brought to the people of North Korea.

I don’t know the guy personally, but my understanding of Kim is that he does not welcome criticism, constructive or otherwise. In fact, my take on Kim is that the sequence of events is usually: criticism, followed swiftly by the untimely demise of the critic.

So, you’ll understand my concern that Kim may react poorly to the “mean things” the UN is saying about him.

In light of this, the world just might need a hero…

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na RODMAN!!??

I submit that Dennis is our man. He’s spent a lot of time in North Korea recently, carrying out various duties as part of his self-assumed role as the “US – North Korea Diplomatic/BFF Ambassador”. If you’ve just now awoken from a doozy of a slumber, you’ve missed two bizarre visits to North Korea (excluding any sneaky rendezvous we’ve not been privy to), Dennis telling the world that Kim is just ‘misunderstood’, and that despite his persistent threats to annihilate everyone except for himself, he actually just wants peace.

dennis rodman north korea

illustration by Mat Johnson

Oh, I can see it now…

…Kim on his front porch, gently rocking on his rocking chair, chewing on straw and sipping on some of Mrs. Un’s home-made lemonade. Dennis pops around to see how Kim’s tomato and zucchini crops are going. They’re looking delicious. Local children from the village stop by. Kim hands out chocolates and sends them off with some noogies. Then an elderly gentleman meets Kim to discuss the current political climate of UK (Unified Korea). Kim cracks a few jokes and doesn’t have the guy executed. Bliss…

Laugh all you want, but they’ll make a movie about this one day. I’m tipping an elderly Wesley Snipes will play the part of Dennis, dependent of course on the tax bill situation…

Otherwise, Cuba Gooding Jnr should be available. The movie will tell the story of how Ambassador Dennis resolved the North Korea “situation”.

Dennis will have started the “Basketball for Peace Foundation” (BPF). Essentially, the BPF will travel around the world and exchange basketballs for weapons (something like one nuclear warhead = one million basketballs), and this is how Dennis cements his friendship with Kim (known thereafter as KimDen).

It’s Hollywood – so there will be loads of drama and a few relationship-breakdowns. KimDen start out on a high (you know, happy snaps at the basketball, Dennis sings happy birthday to Kim etc), but then Dennis finds out Kim is hanging around other forgotten sports stars from the 90s (Michael Chang?) and gets jealous. He retaliates by befriending other unstable despots – cue the montage with Mugabe, Castro and the rest of the gang. Luckily Kim and Dennis are reunited in time to see the error of their ways.

If I had to guess, the movie will end with Dennis challenging Kim to a basketball duel a la “if Dennis gets the next shot in, Kim has to stop threatening to pulverise the planet, executing dissidents and being an ass, in general.”

Naturally, Dennis sinks the shot. You know Dennis.

Sadly, Cuba/Wesley won’t get nominated for an Oscar, but it WILL spawn a sequel featuring Ice Cube (most likely titled Are We Peace Yet?). By then, world peace will be a yawn so the sequel will focus more on how their respective children grow up together and start a quiche business, their speciality being – yep, you guessed it: zucchini and tomato.

The soundtrack has to be 100% Coldplay. No other band could do it. The Hardest Part kicks in just as Kim finally disposes of his weaponry (spoiler alert: he relapses a few times). Fix You? Yep, that’s the main song. At one point, Dennis sings it to Kim and they both end up in tears. As part of the DVD extras, Kim dances to the karaoke version and later explains that he wrote all of Coldplay’s melodies.

To think – all of this started with Dennis having some excess time, money for travel and a serious bout of ‘fix you’ syndrome.

World peace: brought about by Dennis Rodman. You heard it here first.

Oh – or he’ll fuck the whole thing up, look stupid and Kim will continue to threaten world domination and Dennis will go back to wherever the hell he came from.

Either way, let’s make a movie about it.

Sean Romero

Don’t let Sean’s ethnicity fool you. He has no rhythm and is an average soccer player at best. To make things worse, he’s a tax lawyer by day. However, he hopes that you can learn to love him anyway. His greatest interests are his wife (aww), music, coffee, food and life commentary. If a warped sense of reality was currency, he’d be a rich man. More nonsense can be found on his blog and Twitter.

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One Comment;

  1. Lucky Taylor said:

    Great one Sean. It’s a 3 pointer; a game winner. Also good to see the UN doing what the UN does best. I’d like to see Donald Trump included in the movie. Maybe Dennis can go to him for advice and if things don’t work out with KJ-un he can say KJ-un your fired. And have someone do it.

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