Paris Portingale

About Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

End Of Days: The return of God, the Devil and Ray

End Of Days

According to the bible, which, for those who are not in the know, was written over two million years ago and is still the definitive work on this sort of stuff, “End of Days” (or “End of Times”) is when God and Jesus come down and call, “Ollie ollie ollsen free-o,” (ed’s note – I’ve always thought it was “Olly olly oxen free” but who am I to question Paris…?) which usually means, “All those who are out are free now”, but in the case of End of Days it means, “All those who are dead are back alive again.”

After that all the dead people rise up out of the ground and walk around shaking hands and saying, “Hello, I haven’t seen you in donkey’s” with the other person saying, “No, that’s because I’ve been dead.”

After that God tells everyone, “Good job, well done,” and they all go up to heaven and sit on God’s right hand, which, apparently, isn’t as uncomfortable as it sounds. (Don’t think dirty thoughts about that. I wasn’t suggesting anything)

 

The Forces of Good and Evil (and one more, my brother-in-law, Ray)

1. The Alliance of Good – God and Jesus (and sometimes Moses)

Dedicated to love and light and forgiveness and guaranteeing a life everlasting for the good, gentle, and generally nice people of the world. Ok, I know God invented volcanoes and syphilis but that’s all just part of his plan, which you’ll find out about after you’re dead (and it doesn’t matter any more.)

I know that’s annoying but, once again, part of the plan.

2. Evil – Satan or the Devil

Dedicated to tricking you into exchanging your soul for a new washing machine or something. It never works because there’s always some trick, generally in the fine print down the bottom. If Satan ever comes up to you in the street, waving a contract and saying, “Have I got a deal for you”, run like buggery because it isn’t going to end nice.

3. My brother-in-law, Ray

Dedicated to driving everyone in the universe crazy by being utterly stupid about everything, never being able to see reason, being one-eyed and stubborn to the point of utter idiocy, and having a totally annoying little, tiny head.

 

Heaven & my brother-in-law

Continuing on the issue-du-jour, my brother-in-law maintains he will be definitely going to heaven because he goes to confession twice a day. He says that sort of regularity keeps his soul permanently clean, just in case something unexpected happens.

I checked on this with Father Maguire, the local priest. He knows my brother-in-law and the good Father thought long and hard on it, and in the end was forced to agree that, yes, with all that confessing he did my brother-in-law would in all likelihood go to heaven. I said, but what about if someone’s been absolved of all sin and they die, but they’re still a mind-numbingly idiotic moron, surely a responsible God would think twice about having them in heaven. Father Tim just looked apologetic and shrugged.

I think if my brother-in-law does die and go to heaven, God and Jesus are going to burn the midnight oil, going through the bible with a fine-toothed comb, looking very carefully indeed for loopholes.

 

The Mormons

It wouldn’t be a Sunday without some mention of Mormons.

There’s a theory doing the rounds of the religious institutions, particularly in the Latter Days Saints movement, or the Mormons as they like to call themselves, that God and Jesus are one and the same person. They call it the Holy Duality. Totally stupid. You may as well say Abbott and Costello were the same people, or Laurel and Hardy, which they clearly weren’t and you only have to look at their relative weights to see that. When the Mormons call around on Sunday mornings saying, “You’ll go to Hell if you don’t take a Watchtowers”, or whatever it is they’re flogging, I tell them I’m unwilling to accept any literature from a group with the ludicrous idea that God and Jesus are the same as Abbott and Costello. I really urge you try it yourself next Sunday when you hear the knock. It’s quite satisfying.

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