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Paris Portingale

About Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

Radioactivity

The Manager

Lucas Heights Nuclear Facility Souvenir Shop

12th April, 1997

Dear Sir

Do you run tours of your establishment and if so do you have a shop where you can buy souvenirs? (I recently visited the Hill End gold mining area and bought a souvenir of some fool’s gold.) The reason I ask is that I would be interested in buying a souvenir piece of uranium as I believe uranium glows in the dark and would be useful for the following: Using some aluminium foil and the centre out of a toilet roll I propose to make a never-ending torch. I have the foil and toilet roll centre already, so now all I need is the piece of uranium. If you don’t run tours, or do run them and don’t have a shop, or you do have a shop and don’t sell souvenirs of uranium, then could you please tell me if you know of anywhere else that might, or alternatively anything else that glows in the dark as I really think a never-ending torch would be a great deal of fun, and because of the “no batteries” side of things, would also be a bonanza for the world environment.

Yours sincerely

Paris Portingale  

(As of this date, no reply)

 

More on radioactivity

One of my favourite activities of the day is going to the letterbox. It’s great because you never know what you’re going to find. Often, on my way, I think, “Maybe today will be the day I find someone has posted me a box containing radioactivity” because I know if this happens and I open the box and am exposed to the radioactivity I will become someone with super powers, and I know this because of precedent as follows:

  • The Incredible Shrinking Man
  • Godzilla
  • The Incredible Hulk
  • Mothra
  • Radioactive Man
  • The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms
  • Spiderman
  • Superman (Although his was Kryptonite, but still radioactive I think. )

The thing with getting a super power though is you have no say in what it’s going to be and you just have to accept what super power fate hands you. As for myself, knowing my luck, if someone sent me radioactivity in a box I would get something like the power to make petrol come out of my nose. Still, I guess a super power is a super power.

 

Radioactivity. Again

The Director Lucas Height Nuclear Facility

21st September, 2013

Dear Sir

As you work with nuclear activity all the time I would guess you are often exposed to its powers. In thinking about the following…

  • The Incredible Shrinking Man
  • The Incredible Hulk
  • Godzilla
  • Mothra
  • Radioactive Man
  • The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms
  • Spiderman

etc, all who were exposed to the nuclear radioactive force, do you ever develop super powers yourselves, and if so, what kind? I am asking this because I am expecting some nuclear radiation in the mail shortly and am anxious to know what I could expect. I would keep any information strictly confidential, particularly because of the secret identity side of things, which I know goes hand in hand with having a super power.

Thanking you in anticipation

Paris Portingale

(As of this date, no reply)

 

Electricity

James Thurber’s mother thought that if there was nothing plugged into an electrical wall socket, electricity would escape into the room, and I don’t think she was all that far from the truth. You only have to stick a knife blade into one of the things to see the stuff is still in there, patiently biding its time, waiting for the right moment. And this is happening in homes all across the country. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but forewarned is forearmed.

 

Electricity and my brother-in-law

Last year my brother-in-law became convinced the switches in the electricity box where the power connects to his house were faulty because various ones would sometimes turn themselves off for no apparent reason. He put his mind to the problem and eventually, using a combination of duct-tape, metal tubing and coat hanger wire, devised a piece of apparatus that would keep them permanently in the on position. He proudly tells people now that now he can have flames coming from inside his TV and the things still won’t turn off.

That’s Ray. One smart cookie.

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