Xavier Toby

About Xavier Toby

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian. His debut comedic non-fiction book about six months on a mining site 'Mining My Own Business' is available through UWA Publishing (http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/books-and-authors/book/mining-my-own-business). For more writing, upcoming performance details and some embarrassing photos check out his website.

AFL Grand Final tickets as rare as..well…AFL Grand Final tickets

It’s Christmas Day for AFL fans, but if you’re hoping to find AFL Grand Final tickets under the tree, the Grinch who stole the AFL Grand Final, Xavier Toby, is here to ruin your day…


This week there was actually something worth lining up for.

AFL Grand Final tickets.

Last week there was that new iPhone rubbish.

If you lined up for that, you need to buy a new mirror. Then go home and have a good hard look at yourself.

Because there’s something very wrong with you.

You know, what’s more important than football?

It’s not an iPhone, not an election and it’s not breathing. It’s nothing. There’s nothing more important than football.

This Saturday it’s Xmas, New Year and every other holiday rolled into one.

It’s Australian Xmas – it’s AFL Grand Final Day.

An iPhone is a product that will be forgotten and discarded as soon as the next one comes along. Who remembers lining up for the Nokia 2210?


Well nobody who’ll admit to it, but people did.

Who remembers the time they were at an AFL Grand Final and their team won?

Every single person who was there.


Even during the dark times of cellar-dweller AFL hell some teams go through for extended periods, (no names to be mentioned Saints or Doggies, no nothing to see, move along…), that GF joy is cauterised into your life-long memory.

There’s nothing like being there, and for a lot of members this year, that won’t be possible because it wasn’t even possible to line up for Grand Final tickets. There was some ballot system, which randomly gives out the meagre number of tickets available to club members, and I think this is one of the biggest outrages in the history of the world.

If you ignore all history that isn’t AFL.

The MCG holds nearly exactly 100,000.

In 2014 Sydney had a membership of 38,319.

In 2014 Hawthorn had a membership of 65,494.

However there are a maximum of approximately 35,000 tickets for both club’s members.

This is bullshit.

You know what we value in Australia above just about everything else?


What I want is a fair go for football club members when it comes to the AFL Grand Final.

If you buy a membership, you should get first go at an AFL Grand Final ticket.

Stuff the sponsors and the corporates.

If you’ve been to over half of your team’s games in a year, then you should get a ticket.

What do we want?

More tickets for club members.

When do we want them?




Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.



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