Tim McDonald

About Tim McDonald

Tim McDonald is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian, most famous for his critically-acclaimed performance in the 1998 Summerhill Park Kindergarten Nativity Play in the role of “Sheep Number 3”.

G20 summit puttin’ Putin to Sleep

Tim McDonald has some tips to help Russian President Vladimir Putin sleep better after Vlad prematurely departed from the G20 summit citing a need for sleep.

 

Vladimir Putin is literally not losing any sleep over his decision to leave the G20 summit early.

The Russian President has been widely criticised by the world’s media for leaving the G20 Summit in Brisbane prematurely because he needed to get some sleep. Putin told Russian media he needed at least four hours’ sleep at home before starting work again on Monday, hence his decision to leave the summit before the final lunch.

It just goes to show that just because you’re a bare chested tiger taming judo wrestling macho man, it doesn’t mean you can go without beauty sleep.

And sure, many journalists are arguing he could have got that sleep on the 18 hour flight back to Moscow. But I back Putin in on this one – if you’ve ever travelled on an international flight, you’d know that the second you fall asleep is when the mini pretzels come out. And I for one am not going to stand between Putin and mini pretzels.

Clearly there’s a bigger problem here. If 48 hours of lengthy multilateral discussions on economic growth, trade sanctions and international diplomacy don’t put you to sleep, I don’t know what will.

So committed to slumber is the President that he will not rest until he can…rest. Ever wondered where Captain Snooze went? He was kidnapped by Putin to form part of a dream team of sleep based military advisors alongside his superiors Brigadier Catnap and Lieutenant Colonel Sleepy-bye.

But it seems he still can’t get some shuteye.

So, here are my top three tips for beating “Putin-somnia,” which will hopefully have the President sleeping like a log – on grass and covered in insects.

  1. Count Sheep

We’ve all tried this before – all Putin needs to do is close his eyes and imagine sheep jumping over a fence. To fall asleep, all he needs to do is count the number of sheep that he’s riding bareback.

  1. Minimize Disturbing Noise

Loud annoying noises can keep anyone up, so I would advise Putin block out any surrounding disturbing noise, which is clearly anyone else speaking to him.

  1. Sing a Lullaby

Lullabies can be a great way of helping restless infants and supreme world leaders doze off. For Putin I would suggest the children’s classic “Twinkle Twinkle Little Tsar,” or “Hush Little Putin,” which goes a little something like this:

Hush little Putin, don’t say a word,

Obama’s not going to buy you a mockingbird.

And he’s not going to let you buy anything

Because of his imposed trade sanctions on oil and banking.

 

Sweet dreams, Putin.

Don’t let the bedbugs bite.

That’s a warning to his supervisors; I don’t think Vlad would like that.

 

Share via