Michael Burrill

Current Affairs Wrap: IS, Morrison, Lambie and Jones

Alan Jones

Michael Burrill wraps this week’s current affairs, with favourites Scott Morrison, Jacqui Lambie, Ricky Muir and Alan Jones each making appearances… #cantquitetell #newsorcomedy


This week, IS beheaded American aid worker and Muslim convert Abdul-Rahman Kassig (though his killer conveniently referred to him by his Western name, Peter). Meanwhile, a UN report found that “even without territory” IS’ weapon supplies (which largely consist of US-made arms seized from the Iraqi army) could allow them to “continue fighting at current levels for six months to two years.” IS haven’t had it all their way this week though as the Iraqi army retook the strategically important Baiji oil refinery – though it remains unclear whether IS sorcerers will attempt to summon supernatural spirits known as “Jinn” to aid their counter offensive. While I’m sure most will scoff at the idea of Muslims being able to summon supernatural spirits, some informed folks over at the Cronulla-based Facebook page No headscarves but the Ausse flag m8 inform me it is in the Quran, and therefore the summoning of beings made of smokeless fire must be another one of those nefarious practices all Muslims take part in but hide from the rest of “us.”

Amongst all the usual soundbites about “pure evil” and the like after this most recent beheading, a statement from the EU which claimed, “all perpetrators of human rights abuses must be held accountable. The EU will spare no effort towards this objective” may have briefly distracted Scott Morrison from his 5th viewing of A Muppets Christmas Carol (though of course, only briefly as the gravitas heavy performance Michael Caine somehow manages to cultivate alongside deranged puppets is nothing short of amazing). I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until we see Morrison on Kitchen Cabinet admonishing the garlic and pancetta string beans as though they were The Academy themselves for overlooking Caine’s performance, so enough about his made up private life. Amidst reports of settled refugees receiving threatening letters on Nauru and Human Rights Watch finding that refugees in Cambodia were regularly extorted, Mr Morrison (as he is known in his real professional life) decided to add to the misery – and possibly his own anguished guilt dreams – announcing that Australia would not resettle asylum seekers currently in Indonesia if they’d registered with the UNHCR on or after July 1, 2014. Maybe it’s just me, but that seems exactly the kind of policy which will force desperate people into rickety boats. In a world where this isn’t a semi-satirical column and the EU’s statement wasn’t a farce, some of Scott Morrison’s friends in cabinet may have been a bit worried after another joint parliamentary committee raised human rights concerns over another aspect (data retention this round) of new or proposed “anti-terror” legislation. To put things in perspective, this isn’t some idealistic human rights group railing against what it perceives to be unjust legislation as it’s arguments fall on uninterested ears; this is a joint parliamentary committee including members of the government, railing against what it perceives to be unjust legislation…still appears to be falling on uninterested ears though I guess.

Never fear though Australia, the coalition of common sense is here! After continued infighting in PUP, famed Islamic scholar Jacqui Lambie and motoring enthusiast Ricky Muir changed position and joined Nick Xenophon and John Madigan to vote against proposed changes to financial advice laws in what Xenophon described as “a coalition of common sense,” which may be the biggest misuse of the term since Lambie’s fellow burqa basher Cory Bernardi subtitled his website “common sense lives here.” If people like Lambie and Muir (a man I’m almost certain has told people he “worships at the church of Jeremy Clarkson” in his past) are meant to represent common sense and “keep the bastards honest” in parliament, it seems little wonder that according to some polls only seven percent of Australians place “a lot of trust” in federal parliament. Sometimes amongst all the talk of dole bludgers stealing a living on the taxpayers’ dime I think about parliament and let out a wry laugh…

Alan Jones has been expressing his own dissatisfaction with PM Tony Abbott this week. Usually the best of friends, Jones first berated Tone for the free trade agreement with China (managing to mix up both support for coal and apparent fears about food security into his convoluted arguments), telling the PM it failed the “pub test” (possibly the form of government Alan and Tony think their ancient anglo-Australian ancestors practiced). Jones then went one step further comparing Abbott to his favourite pantomime villain Julia Gillard, claiming that the approval of a private aged care facility in Middle Head broke an election promise he made as the local member in 1997 to preserve the heritage of the area. You’re right, Alan. That definately is the most pressing and probably only election promise broken by Tony Abbott…


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