- COVID has wounded America’s coffee culture, and we could be next
- Neglected by the state, Dubbo is changing drug treatment in rural NSW
- Those who ridiculed the 5G/COVID conspiracy theory helped spread it, study claims
- Horror-themed games give us the illusion of control in unprecedented times
- Frisky business: Why relationships should have exit interviews
After David Shaftel’s declaration in the NY Times that “brunch is for jerks”, Tim McDonald has a few suggestions for its replacement –trunch, anyone?
Brunch is for jerks. That’s the header of a New York Times article that’s made thousands of hipsters choke on their smashed avocado toast. Why? Because this article is the first time someone has ever taken a shot at brunch and not posted it to Instagram.
For the uninitiated, “brunch” is a meal that combines breakfast and lunch, so named after Professor Dennis Brunch who, according to legend, was the first person to ever eat scrambled eggs on toast after 10am. Whilst so-called “historians” dispute this (they argue it was during daylight savings and so technically still within normal breakfast time), Dennis’ innovation caught on, even if his original name didn’t – leakfast.
Brunch is now under fire. In his article, David Shaftel launched a scathing critique, arguing everyone’s favorite meal hybrid is “worse than adolescent, it is an adolescent’s idea of how adults spend their time.” This follows an attack by The Guardian, who labelled brunch a “symptom of the soulless suburban conformity that is relentlessly colonizing our urban environments”. Ouch.
The problem seems to be less about the smashed avocado toast and more about the lifestyles of those who swear by the smashed avocado toast. Where once we gathered to eat breakfast whenever we felt like it, brunch is now the domain of the “jerks” who drink almond milk to be eco and sustainable, in spite of the fact its production is killing thousands of indigenous fish in places like California.
So we’ve lost brunch. The all-day breakfast is ironically over. Fear not! Allow me to get my Gwyneth Paltrow on as I run you through four mixed meals free from jerks and smashed avocado.
Preakfast, or pre-breakfast, is that little snack you have whilst waiting for your breakfast to cook. Can be anything from a grape or two, a piece of cold pizza, a protein shake before a morning run or, in some rare cases, an entire roast chicken (although probably not before a morning run).
Not to be confused with afternoon tea or dunch (the combo of lunch and dinner) trunch is the treat you have directly after lunch, and is otherwise known as the most important meal of the day. This can include, but is not limited to: a muffin, a cupcake, a cupuffin (a cupcake with bits of fruit in them) a muffupcake (a muffin with icing), a cupuffucupcake (don’t ask) or lemon slice (not a muffin or a cupcake).
The entrée to entrée (entréeception), prentrée is the meal you have just before entrée, more commonly known in the world of haute cuisine by its highly technical name – nibbles. Prentrée encompasses a wide variety of antipastos, starters, hors d’oeuvres, and those random arty spoons of watermelon garnished with microherbs.
You’re in a fancy restaurant and you’re absolutely stuffed. Following a balanced diet of preakfast, breakfast, brunch, blunch (between brunch and lunch), lunch, trunch, dunch, afternoon tea, prentrée, entrée, dinner and dessert, you literally cannot eat another single th..oh my god here comes a cheese platter! But don’t fill up on chinner, cheese dinner, because you’ve still got prupper, supper and a midnight snack to go before you hit the hay and do it all over again. My advice – doggy bag the gorgonzola and save it for preakfast.
So there you have it; four new mixed meals free from jerks and smashed avocado created in the spirit of Professor Dennis Brunch.
There’s a catch.
Sure, we can try and escape the stigmas of brunch by embracing preakfast or trunch, prentrée or chinner, but the more we do, the more these meals become yet another symbol of “soulless suburban conformity” adored by jerks and Gwyneth Paltrows.
You can’t have your muffupcake and eat it too.