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Given all the tragedy shadowing what is such a significant date, Paris offers some answers to what he calls “The Valentine’s Day Question.”
When man first crawled from the primordial ooze and stood erect and started walking around doing things, he came up with the idea of Valentine’s Day. This was many, many years ago, certainly more far back in time than you or I can remember.
It’s interesting that this should be one of man’s earliest achievements, and if you will, I’d like to take a moment to examine this part of humanity’s history and perhaps come up with some answers to what I would like to refer to as, “The Valentine’s Day Question.”
Very soon in the piece, early man realised that if they were going to continue getting away with getting a leg-over for the price of a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates, they’d need to tidy the thing up a bit. Early bipeds – not known for their wit and intelligence, but possessing animal cunning – decided to name the day after a saint. The obvious choice of course was Saint Valentine, the patron saint of love and devotion. The Kissing Saint, or “Hands Valentine” as he was known.
Hands was born in Scotland around one million BC and was known for striding the Scottish moors in nothing but a kilt, usually with the front hitched up to attract passing women. He was a good looking man for a Scott born in prehistory’s stone age, and someone with an enormous appetite for sexual congress, or, “The old rumpy-pumpy, eh, Jimmy,” as it was known colloquially then in Scotland. Hands himself was once heard to say, “I’ve seen more fanny, lad, than you’ve had hot dinners.”
And so it came to pass that, with Hands Valentine at the masthead, St Valentine’s day prospered and continued to be celebrated right throughout history, travelling from bible times through such historic landmarks as the ten plagues of Egypt, Moses and the invention the wheel, the Black Death, Van Gough’s ear incident, the Great Plague of London, the birth of Elton John, the Third Pandemic, the invention of the cinema, the Spanish Flu, the Bubonic Plague (and the lesser known, though equally as catastrophic, Antonine Plague of Rome which claimed two Roman emperors, caused 2,000 deaths per day and decimated the entire Roman army, eventually claiming over 5 million lives), the Japanese treachery of Pearl Harbour, Cats the musical, and continuing right up to the present day, the Abbott government of Australia.
Yes, Valentine’s Day has a lot to answer for, and the litany of its associated catastrophes are such a weight on the psyche of mankind, there are some who would like to see the celebration banished from the face of the planet forever and the earth salted so nothing would grow for a thousand years. But the lure of the leg-over is such a powerful force and sturdy harness on the head of man’s cock that that’s not going to happen, ladies and gentlemen. Not now, nor in any foreseeable future I can come up with. No, we’re stuck with it, and as my brother in law Ray would say, “Fucking good show too.”