We don’t often do film reviews, but how could we not cover 50 Shades of Grey, one of the more anticipated films of 2015? Natasha Mann gives it two lashes out of ten…ok one more for Jamie Dornan’s bod…


Due to all the hype pre- and post-distribution, I steeled myself for 50 Shades of Grey.

From reviews and reader responses, I was expecting a misogynistic, slightly dark, leather zip-mask whip-fest. I haven’t read the book, which had just as much hype around it. I have sort of shut my ears to the plethora of “this is every woman’s fantasy” comments that booksellers attribute to the worldwide sales.

Has anyone seen Secretary with the adorable Maggie Gyllenhaal?

That was vaguely in my head as my expectation when I entered the cinema.

What I saw in 50 Shades of Grey was a Hollywood film with a couple of riding whips and a bit more nakedness than usual, although not so much as to bump over the MA rating. I found the grain of 50 Shades of Grey insapient. When the “play room” came into focus I was expecting far more than what was offered, which was just a bit of stuff involving handcuffs and the riding strap, nothing more than a bit of a moppy sort of whip and a bit of rope.

Ok, so the belt at the end was the last straw for the lady, but up until then it was “yeah, whatever” for me and I am not even into any sort of peripheral play stuff. I was expecting latex, zippers, slings, leather hoods and, as they mentioned in “the contract”, dildos and butt plugs. Not that I was hanging out to see them, I just wanted to know where these aforementioned objects were.

Sure, I had a problem with the idea of a dude wanting to “own” a woman like a play thing, not let her out of his sight and allocate her some quarters for her weekend so she was at his disposal. He tried to create a set of rules that he wanted and she abided by them to a degree. She could leave at any time. seeing she hadn’t signed “the contract.”

I’m wondering how many people are going to start a little bandwagon of sex contracts now. I think I’d be the bossy one in mine.

I had a problem with a regular, run-of-the-mill (in a socio-economic way) uni student taking in all her new love’s material opulence with not so much as a “Golly Gee”. I would be doing I’m-a-speechless-clown movements every time the dude took me in a helicopter, a glider, one of his superstar cars, into his house et cetera et cetera. That and “Holy F**k” would be my verbal contribution. I also had a problem with him being a 27-year old my-mum-was-a-crack-addict billionaire.

Good things in 50 Shades of Grey: Dakota Johnson’s acting. She was very likable and I definitely would like to see her in other films. Jamie Dornan’s acting wasn’t that crash hot, but I may just be mistaking his take on a repressed character. Last thing in which I saw Dornan was The Fall, where he played a serial killer of women…so he has a theme happening with the totally screwed-up character. Nevertheless, Dornan has a lovely body, bless him, and he is actually really convincing with the way he touches.

Bottom line: 50 Shades of Grey was pretty below average. Wait until all the stuff you pirated on your laptop has run dry and then watch 50 Shades of Grey on a lazy afternoon. Actually, better still, get out Secretary, which has more substance, and just download a shot of naked Dornan to put on your home-screen so you can whip him with a strip of office blutac every now and then.

Check back Wednesday for the male perspective on 50 Shades of Grey from the fingertips of Mike Welsh…

(ps the link won’t work til Wednesday…cause the article aint live til tomorrow…#justsaying…)

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