Forget Birdman, Eddie Redmayne and Patricia Arquette…the Oscars is about the gowns and looks, at least for Blake Sutherland…so here is his Top 5 Best and worst wrap…
Although “Who are you wearing?!” very much sounds like a line from a dyslexic phone sex operator or perhaps general banter among a support group for people who kill other people and wear their skins, on Oscars night there is no question more serious.
It’s a coveted award…not the Oscars – being on my best list, and several factors come into play in my decision making.
Does the person look like they brushed their hair?
Are they standing like they’re smuggling a barrel between legs?
Are they wearing all of the bracelets ever?
And the winners in the “Best Gown and get up” for the 2015 Oscars are…
5. Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph and Russo – Everything in the universe tells me I should hate this, I mean she looks like an amputee ice skater who’s crashed into a rose bush, but I love that. Normally I’d be opposed to a giant silk flower jutting out of a shoulder – this is not one of those times. The colour, fit, make-up and hair all work. For some reason I blame the Illuminati. Also she hasn’t aged…
4. Jennifer Hudson in Romona Keveza – A perfectly proportioned goddess in streamlined yellow she is a true dream girl (I will stop making that reference when she does another movie…has she done any other movies?) A synched peplum is a nice way to add shape and avoid looking fresh off the plane from 2010. I’m a fan.
3. Rita Ora in Marchesa – Ok, how does she keep getting into celebrity events? And when did she hire a good stylist? Either way I’m okay with it. Im glad people are understanding proportioning this year – if you do a big dress do small hair and vice versa. Im feeling it Rita.
2. Chloe Moretz in Miu Miu – Yes. At 18 these are the kind of looks you want to be turning. Perfect example of how hair and make-up toned down can similarly tone down a normally pretty over-the-top dress. It’s easy for a younger girl to be overtaken by such a big dress but she’s made it her own, which for me I love as I don’t even like the dress all that much.
1. Behati Prinsloo in Armani Couture – Flawless victory. I wonder how many people heard how good she looked and decided not to come? Being a model she didn’t really have to worry about how the dress would translate from runway to red carpet. For such a heavily embellished gown she holds her own. Hands down best dressed.
And now…the Losers…
OK, I’m ready.
5. Chrissy Teigan in Zuhair Murad – She’s a really pretty girl, honestly, but for someone signed to IMG as a “supermodel” this sucks. It looks like she was drunk on eBay the week before and ordered it from Thailand but when it arrived it didn’t look as good as the picture and she had to wear it. The neckline is too low and the lips are too dark. Please don’t go out again.
4. Naomi Watts in Armani – It’s like someone took a picture of the brick wall that has sealed her career in a tomb and printed it onto a dress and she’s worn it as some sort of artist statement. If it was all black I’d be saying something nice, but its not and so I’m not. It’s not you Naomi, it’s…no it is you, sorry.
3. Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen – This is one of those times where it’s the right dress on the wrong person and also the right dress in the wrong place. Theory of Everything actress maybe should have lost the bangs and slicked her hair back wet and then maybe I’d be happy but I’m just not. Lift your game if it’s your first time being relevant.
2. Gina Rodriguez in Manon Gabard – I’m not quite sure who she is and after seeing the dress I’m not too sure I really want to. It’s nice that the designer won a student competition and that the dress is eco-friendly but this honestly seems like something Helen Mirren would wear. If she were dead. Like something Helen would be wearing in her coffin.
1. Scarlett Johansson in Atelier Versace – This is THE WORST look of the entire 2105 Oscars or even of all time…I’m still to decide yet. She looks like Miley Cyrus method acting her new role of the lifetime story of the green Olympic ring and its tribulations as a sex worker in the time of Jack the Ripper. The necklace literally looks like that dirty piece of seaweed that wrapped around your leg at the beach when you were a kid giving you a very real fear of seaweed. This is offensive to me. My children will feel the shame of this look and their children’s children.
I’m out of negativity for another awards season.
Also some people won some awards for stuff. Apparently.