Jordan King Lacroix says forget metadata…as our lives are entirely documented online these days, why don’t we just start submitting ALL of our data to the government?
With all the hubbub surrounding metadata and George Brandis – what with people CC-ing the man in all their emails and that goddamn colour-changing magic dress – a small detail of our political landscape might have been overlooked.
That detail is that the government and the police can now, as they wish, track any and all online data. They can do so without a warrant, which would allow them to do (more or less) anything from finding journalists’ confidential sources to whether or not you were actually sick on that “sick day” of yours.
Hey, at this point, in this very public and modern age, maybe the laws aren’t going far enough?
“If we aren’t doing anything wrong then we have nothing to fear” is the big ol’ party line, except, of course, if you’re in government. Well, why not go all the way?
I think we should straight up start publishing all of our data – everything, all of it – online. Blog it!
What did you have for breakfast? BreakfastCensus.gov.au!
Who did you sleep with in the last month? LoverTracker.gov.au!
Which potentially illegal sites did you visit? CheckYourSiteStatus.gov.au!
It’s so simple! All they have to do is make not registering illegal. Hell, metadata or not, they can already track all of our online movements, they’ll know whether or not we’ve been registering our data…so they might as well make it mandatory.
“Well, I see here you didn’t submit some information last ingest period,” a data monitor will say to you, randomly calling from a secure location you’ll never find, no matter how hard you dig, but who can always find you.
“I…I didn’t?” you’ll say, swallowing, mouth dry.
“Do not attempt to deceive me,” it will scream down the line, its voice masked so as not to betray gender or whether or not it’s really just an automaton. “I can see that you avoided submitting Lover Information, Religious Affiliation Gathering Data and, most incriminating of all, Porn Intake Rating.”
Let’s be honest, this is whole metadata thing is mostly about porn and torrenting TV shows, am I right?
Before you can answer Data Intake Automaton #5, Data Retrieval Automatons will have appeared before you and taken you to the nearest Data Submission Centre and “gently encouraged” you to submit to “questioning” and “information deposit”.
So we should, because we’ll never be safe! They must know it all or how can they catch the bad guys, am I right? Of course I am!
ALL HAIL EMPEROR—
Transmission interrupted. Sarcasm detected.