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As the Sound of Music turns 50, it’s time to remake the much-loved classic for a whole new modern audience, so Tim McDonald has done some work on Sound of Music Reboot.
The year is 2015. We fly gracefully over the Austrian Alps, over snow-capped mountains and through wooded valleys, until we come across a luscious field of pristine green grass. There we find free spirited postulant Maria (Anne Hathaway), who is joyfully frolicking to the beautiful sounds of The Hills Are Alive. Thanks to the latest special effects, the hills are literally alive, thundering out of their earth roots and chasing after Maria, threatening to viscously devour her whole. She’s undergone lots of religious spiritual training, and if movies have taught us anything, that makes her good at hand to hand combat. So she ferociously uppercuts and scissor kicks until she’s clobbered ev’ry mountain.
Having defeated the killer hills Maria returns to the abbey, where the Mother Superior (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) informs her that she is “the chosen one”. Although this doesn’t mean awesome magical powers, it means she’s done being a nun and instead has to take up a position as governess for a widowed naval captain. Maria will have to make a life for herself away from her religion, a fact reinforced when the Mother Superior and Sister Berthe burst into No Church in the Wild. That’s right – forget Rogers and Hammerstein, this is 2015, soundtracks have to feature Jay-Z and Kanye.
It’s not all song and dance and rapping nuns. The Nazi movement is gaining momentum. Although in this day and age, Nazis just aren’t scary enough. So the Robo Mutant Nazi movement is gaining momentum. That’s better.
Maria arrives at an opulent mansion and is greeted by the strict Captain von Trapp (Russell Crowe) and his seven impeccably polite yet mischievous children (all played by Eddie Murphy in disguise). The Captain enforces intense discipline and control, although to Maria’s relief there are no blindfolds or cable ties in sight.
Whilst the Captain is away, the children incessantly annoy Maria with pranks and games, until they discover her love of song. The children beg her to teach them, so she does. She goes through the notes one by one, but the children find this to complicated. She comes up with the catchy song Do Re Mi, but still the children don’t get it. Finally she gives up and teaches them how to lip sync.
Meanwhile the eldest of the von Trapp children, Liesl (Jennifer Lawrence) sneaks out in the rain to meet a young Nazi delivery boy she met on Tinder. Halfway through Sixteen Going on Seventeen Liesl forgets she’s in a musical, and starts a rage filled tirade against the sexist lyrics and the horribly oppressive message of the song. It’s not as sweet as the original, but her roundhouse kick to the head is powerful and well justified.
Afterwards a storm erupts and the children need comforting, so Maria calms them with the classic My Favorite Things, which also serves as a chance to acknowledge the film’s sponsors with some subtle product placement.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Volvos with ESP to avoid front on crashes
Just as everyone’s starting to chillax and have a great time the Captain returns, and instantly disapproves of the activities the children have been doing. He banishes Maria, until he hears the children playing Singstar, and reckons they’re not half bad. Upon learning that he used to have a beautiful voice, the children beg their father to sing for them. So Rusty launches into Edelweiss. They beg him to stop.
The Captain then introduces everyone to his friend with benefits Baroness Schraeder (Gwyneth Paltrow), and decides to throw an elaborate meat-free dairy-free gluten-free soiree in her honor. At the party, the children lament the fact that they cannot dance, so Maria teaches them. The Captain sees this, and is so enchanted with her twerking that he and Maria intimately grind up against each other, until James Franco crashes the party and all hell breaks lose.
Maria’s charm isn’t lost on the Captain, and two days later they become friends on Facebook and decide to wed. However, the Robo Nazi Mutants are gathering strength, and are in hot pursuit of the Captain in black Volvo’s with ESP to avoid front on crashes.
Their only hope is to pack up and leave immediately. So at the insistence of a family friend they form the Von Trapp Family Singers, which is later changed to the more commercial VTRAPP, and audition on The Voice. They’re terrible – because the children have been taught how to sing traditionally they have absolutely no idea how to grunt and moan and rock an auto-tune. The less annoying Madden brother is even more disappointed, because he expected more of a punk attitude from the free-spirited nun turned nanny. However, given they’re on the run from the Robo Nazis and from a single parent family they have a great emotional sob story, and they win!
That is until sweet little 7 year old Gretl takes off her wig to reveal Javier Bardem, the evil head of the Robo Nazi Mutants! Literally, it’s a Trapp! Will the family be able to escape???
You’ll have to wait ’til Sound of Music Reboot Parts 2 and 3.