Not many people know this, but Paris Portingale is an expert on history and religion. Today he fills us in on how Easter came to be (uh-oh)…
Twenty million years ago Easter didn’t exist, then Jesus Christ appeared on the scene and things began to change. This is that story.
Jesus was born in Bethlehem. This was during the time of the Romans when Caesar – possibly Julius Caesar, who would appear some twenty thousand years later in a popular play written by a then young playwright named William Shakespeare, although possibly not as history is a bit vague on that point – declared that everyone had to go to Bethlehem where they’d be counted by centurions and the final figure sent back to Rome. With everyone now in Bethlehem there was no room at the inn and Jesus had to be born in a stable, thus establishing Christmas, the precursor to Easter, and the holiday we all still enjoy today.
So, Jesus eventually grew to be a man and spent his life touring the country, curing lepers, causing the blind to see, and performing miracles with water, like walking on it and turning it into wine.
Eventually it became time for him to be put to death by the Romans. Jesus didn’t care because his father, God, had promised he’d come down and destroy his persecutors.
So comes the scene when Jesus is being nailed to the cross by Roman centurions. And Jesus said unto them, “Any minute now, God is going to come down and I swear he’s going to fuck you up.” Little did Jesus know that it was the time of the Roman April Fools’ Day and God wasn’t coming down to fuck anyone up. He and Moses were up in heaven, looking down and having a good old laugh at Jesus’ discomfort.
Well, eventually Jesus died and a few days later he rose up to heaven and found God and said unto him, “God, why didst thou forsake me like that?”
God was still laughing, and he said to Jesus, “You should have seen the look on your face.”
Jesus was not happy about God’s trick and he said to him, “It’s going to be a long time before I ever talk to you again.”
And God did reply, “I will make amends,” which he did. He said, “This shall be my decree: from now until forever, this day shall be a holiday. I will name it Easter and it will be observed around the world by peoples of all colours. There will be baby rabbits and chocolate eggs, so people will remember your sad death on the cross at the hands of the Romans, possibly the Jews as well.”
Jesus still refused to speak to God, but God was on another tack now, giving greater consideration to the Jewish question. He said to Jesus, “Actually I don’t think it was the Romans at all. I think they were just unwitting dupes, being manipulated by the Jews. Don’t blame the Romans my son, it was the Jews that did for you, and they will forever go down in the annals of infamy as the ones who killed Jesus Christ.” And they did. Even today they are spoken of as the ones who killed Jesus, and the Roman involvement has disappeared down into the shifting sands of time.
And so on this day, back those many millions of years ago, Easter was born, and in an irony of all ironies, it all came to pass because God’s son, Jesus Christ, while one of the greatest men to ever stride the earth, was a man who couldn’t take a joke.