Jordan King Lacroix informs us Aussies being urged to channel bury head in sand over climate change.


Politicians from around the world are taking their cues from Florida after the major announcement that the terms “climate change” and “global warming” have been banned in any Department of Environmental Protection correspondence.

“It’s such a perfect strategy,” one politician’s aide from the UK, Robert Simmons, said in an email. “If problems like climate change are ignored, then they go away, right? Just like a whiny child.”

In countries experiencing rising sea levels caused by human-assisted climate change, leaders have urged the people to do what the metaphorical ostrich does and literally stick their heads in the sand. Waves of people from across these nations – including Australia, the United States, the UK and portions of South America – have been seen standing, bent over, heads buried deeply in the sand.

climate change

Image: Luke Sommerfeld

“Then, when and if the sea levels rise,” one woman, Melinda Zhang, said as she prepared her own head hole, “we won’t notice. At least, not for long.”

In Australia, where last year campaigners urged the government to report the levels of domestic violence as “a national emergency,” people are being advised to do something similar.

“If you just stick your fingers in your ears and say la-la-la,” an assistant to the Prime Minister said in an interview, demonstrating the technique, “it’s really amazing how much you can ignore. I mean, I’ve done less for my fellow humans and the planet in the last twelve hours than I ever thought possible.”

A report being released by the Federal Government will also detail a variety of other methods by which the populace can ignore or otherwise reduce stress about current events and global issues. Some of these include “curling up in a ball and singing to yourself,” “blasting music so loud you can’t hear your own conscience” and “drinking yourself into a stupor.”

“We’re a nation of a strong people,” the report will go on to say. “We don’t have time to complain or listen to anyone else’s problems. So close those ears, those eyes and that mouth and we’ll all be bloody right.”


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