The government is ramping up its fight against boat people with immigration guards given super powers and dehumanised, Jordan King Lacroix reports.


In the wake of the new powers given to guards that, in the words of one Victorian supreme court judge, would authorise them to “beat asylum seekers to death,” the government has decided to take it one step further.

In the hopes to get the public on their side, while simultaneously cashing in on the glut of superhero-related films and TV shows saturating the market right now, the Abbott government has announced that it will be starting a program “similar to the Weapon X program,” referencing the program that created the beloved character Wolverine in the Marvel Universe.

“We want to create a group of super soldiers who will help protect Australia from these people,” a spokesperson close to the Prime Minister has said.

“I mean, they want to seek help from us? Who do they think they are? The only way to curb this problem is with super-powered individuals who work outside the law, obviously.”

The first results of the human experiments are already being rolled out with several guards reported to have bullet proof skin as well as tweaked chemistry to help enhance their efficacy.

“It’s so they’re not distracted by the blood or the weeping or the screaming,” the lead scientist, Alana Frasier said in an interview.

“They’re still human – for now – so they have annoying little human traits like empathy for their fellow man. It’s so frustrating to remove. And robotics isn’t in the right place to replace people completely.”

This is apparently only the first step in a two-step program where the government will award the Immigration Department powers to allow guards “proactive” powers.

“What that basically means,” an aide to the Immigration Minister said, “is that it will allow the guards to fly to the countries that asylum seekers come from and stop them physically, in their own countries. It’s much more efficient than waiting until they come here.”

“And soon, we won’t even need a plane to fly the guards over! The rocket-feet technology is very close to completion.”

Concerns that this may be the beginning of a comic-book-villain-like tyranny over our country have been quelled with manic laughter and laser beams shooting out of giant monkey heads.


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