- While tech giants circle TikTok, a local ban seems unlikely
- Whataboutism: The other epidemic gripping the nation
- Listening to music while studying is fine (unless you’re an introvert)
- In predicting AI crimes of the future, UK academics have revealed the biggest threat
- How to start a cult…in five easy steps!
If you’ve ever felt like you’re not suffering from enough oppression, Jacob Lynagh suggests you consider race reassignment surgery and take a solid reality check.
So, you want to be a victim?
Have you ever been told to check your privilege? Have you ever felt bad because you know you’ve been handed a good lot in life, and the rise of victim-culture among younger generations has made you feel like an outsider? Well then this guide is for you!
You feel a bit bad about being an oppressor, and that’s why you’ve dedicated your life, and your blog, to educating people about how everyone but you has a tough wicket.
But a gender-studies degree is not enough, and no matter how much you try and help, the white-guilt just won’t go away – and nor should it, you’re a privileged bastard – but as you’ve been told throughout your life, in this age of instant gratification and guilt-free hedonism, feeling good is what it’s all about.
In a world of victims and oppressors, you can’t straddle the fence, and let’s be honest, being an oppressor has really fallen out of fashion these days.
So now you’re trying to find a way to feel good about yourself and your heritage, without rubbing your privilege in everyone’s faces. Well I’ve got good news for you, you may already be a victim, but you just don’t know it yet, and I’m proud to say that I can help you on this, a noble quest.
The kyriarchy is a social system of interconnected oppressions and privileges to ensure that no matter who you are, no matter what background you have, there is at-least one outdated social framework that is shackling you.
You have your stock-standard, top-tier oppressions: racism, homophobia, and the patriarchy, which, as we all know, is the social system that ensures all men are elevated while all women are tramped down. These are worth the most Oppression Points™ under the kyriarchal hierarchy.
Then you’ve got the oppressions that nobody really puts much stock in, the lowest in the hierarchy; like poverty and physical disability. These aren’t worth many Oppression Points™, so I’d avoid trying to claim them.
The goal of professional victimisation is to get as many Oppression Points™ as possible; the best way to do this is to combine oppressions, and stack the points. There are endless combinations to be made, but my personal favorite is trans-ethnicity.
Do you like anime and fast trains? You might be trans-Japanese. Do you like kimchi and k-pop? You might be trans-Korean. No? Oh, you listen to Chief Keef and you’ve always felt “a little bit ghetto”? Guess what, you’re trans-black my friend.
You may face some resistance at first, especially from people who had the privilege to be born black, but that’s just because they don’t understand how much harder it was for you.
Now that you’ve come to terms with your position in a world that is systematically stacked against you, and have come out to friends and family (and on your blog of course), you’ve started to feel that the mental black face you’ve adopted is just not enough, so where do you go from here?
Well, one option is race reassignment surgery – in your case, it’d be a bit like a reverse Michael Jackson. It’s a big step that deserves a lot of thought, but if it means making you feel comfortable in your own skin, I’m sure the government will help pay for it.
If you choose to follow through with your race reassignment surgery, you have to remember that many people might find it offensive – you’re the embodiment of racial appropriation now – but the oppression of the trans-ethnic outranks the oppression of all other races in the kyriarchal hierarchy.
Don’t worry that it’s a little bit racist, because you’re a victim now too. Though keep in mind that identity politics has no bottom – so as long as someone really believes, they can lower the bar as much as they like, and eventually there might be someone even more oppressed than you.
You’ve decided to go through with your race reassignment surgery, and it was a total success! Welcome to the club – don’t forget to pick up another oppression from the gift shop before you leave, and don’t let the door persecute you on the way out.