Marian King gives her FULL RUNDOWN, squeals and all, from Eurovision 2015, and it’s SWEDEN SWEDEN SWEEEEEEDENNNNN…if you didn’t already know.
It’s a crisp and somewhat chilly morning as I reluctantly roll out of my cosy bed. My alarm reads 4:38am, and I’m wondering to myself, why am I putting myself through this today of all days? A super busy day of family commitments, but it had to start with one of my passions…EUROVISION!
Yes, I am a singer and one of the crazed and devoted fans who started watching Eurovision way back in the day of obscure Sunday afternoon broadcasts, who then decades later found herself living right in Eurovision Central. I survived almost seven years living in SWEDEN, and three years living in London. My love for all things Eurovision has continued to grow as I embraced and immersed myself in European culture.
As an Aussie living in Scandoland, I often got myself sent to the isolated naughty corner for mocking the Scandos obsession with nostalgia and corny comedy. But one thing I learned really fast is do NOT mess with Eurovision.
Yes, the car crash can’t look away competition that us Aussies love to hate is serious business and it’s not to be messed with. Especially in Sweden.
So as I joyfully remembered what was ahead for me after my double shot coffee this morning, I settled into my original 50s vintage chair, oddly enough all the way from Swede,n and turned up the volume just enough for it to not awaken my ten and two-year-old divas who were still blissfully sleeping, and waited with baited breath. I never watch the semi-finals as I want to be wooed by all the ridiculous elements all at once with no spoilers, and here it comes.
It begins with a classy orchestra and I said to myself, “Okay that’s probably it for the classy element, now on to the rest of EUROVISION.” A magical giant disco ball descends from the roof as the crowd screams in expectation, but wait there’s the orchestra again, only surpassed by the mesmerising balls which are then overshadowed by Conchita rising from the floor in her hot pink Barbie-esque outfit fit to fly across the crowd, cue the cute kids of the Vienna boys choir, and the girls too of course because we embrace everyone at Eurovision.
Interesting to note…not a balloon in sight Sweden – seems you could take some production tips from the Austrians.
Who would have thought?
We’ve started with a Charlie’s Angels trio of lip syncing presenters, the only way is up!
Time for my second of many coffees, and to hold on for the ride that IS Eurovision 2015:
We open with Slovenia. Her ridiculous oversized headphones need to be replaced by some in-ear monitors for a start. That might actually help her place her voice anywhere other than her nose. And yep, her hubby just put headphones OVER his in-ears. Clearly Slovenia has problems with modern technology. Apparently they couldn’t afford a violinist, next best thing, add a dancer to violin sync onstage next to you. Interesting. A solid European opening act though.
France is all that you would hope for in a french entry, passionate, sexy, a LBD, Red lipstick and singing in the worlds most romantic language. What more could you ask for? Oh yeah translation!! And actually naked drummers next year please.
On to Israel. Now I’ve worked with teenagers for decades and if this guy is actually 16 I’ll streak naked around my home city today! “Pull me baby I’m your trigger…I’m the K\king of fun, let me show how we do it.” Wow. Inspired, will definitely help towards world peace.
Ooooooooh Estonia. You started well, your contestants look relatively normal, like they’re even from the modern age, but someone needed to tell them that pitch isn’t optional, I actually wish you hadn’t woken me up!
Now the UK, one of the least serious Eurovision countries in Europe, and it shows. Downtown Abbey at EUROVISION on LSD? I’m so excited by this. But will it deliver? Oooooooow dresses that light up and some skat. Definitely sounding good sugar! Sad that the chick looks like she’s trying to remember her next line. And YESSSSSSSS for PYRO! My 10-year-old diva is proud to have been born in London, but I dare say she would have done a better job.
AAAAAAAh ARMENIA, well one of you can sing in tune. That was a nice few seconds. I won’t deny…I want you to stop.
Cutsie cuties from Lithuania …. Stop it you’re so cute…and who doesn’t love a good snog on stage in front of millions…seriously stop being so darn cute. I can’t handle it.
Seriously Serbia. Guuuurl CAN SAAAAAANG. Not sure what the weirdo masked guys doing pretend signing next to her are all about. Oh that’s better dancers in random outfits prancing around, that makes me feel more like we are at Eurovision.Yes you ARE different and it’s definitely okay!!!!! She gets some of my votes.
Norway I love you, I used to visit you monthly for work and I miss you. A love song, but why do you have to go to the dark side? OOOOOH lovely voices but the hairdresser forgot to remove the last foil out of her hair, or was she was late for her stage call? Magnificent crescendos in perfect harmony. In tune. Nailed it.
Here comes SWEDEN. Heeeeeeeej show us what you’re made of. Great use of technology, who would of thought. Catchy song. You get at least one of my votes!! I dare say you’ll also get a lot of votes from the ladies and men of Eurorvision. Flawless performance, I wonder how many hours were spent in tech rehearsal?
CYPRUS. Nice, but snoozefest, their answer to Peter Sellers?? Time to stretch my legs and grab another coffee I think.
Here we are, at Eurovision, I can hardly believe it. I can hardly breathe I’m so excited. Pity our budget didn’t stretch to a skirt over the backing vocalists gold grandma undies. VOTE ONE AUSSIELAND. And we know that all Europeans want to visit Australia, it’s practically heaven on earth. This IS one tough act to follow. You did good Guy. Woooooohooooooo. Hipster made. I mean history!!
It’s a shame you had to follow us Belgium. I hope you don’t die tomorrow. Cause you’re quite good. Moody, intense, synchronised dancing, strobe lights, singing while lying down on stage, quite fabulous!
AUSTRIA. We’ve gone back in time it seems. To the hippy era of the 70’s and burning your instruments. But seriously how could you hope to follow your entry last year. Who’s got the fire extinguisher ?
Gorgeous Greece. Finally an old school Eurovision diva, hair extensions, sequins, plunging neckline. Just waiting for the wind machine to really kick in and/or a glitter bomb to explode. And THERE is the key change. Two things checked off the Eurovision bingo.
I’m trying hard not to mock Montenegro, he looks like he’s ready to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Hurrah for Botox. And with his magician’s assistants who are dancing in a trance, well I just can’t concentrate on anything he is singing as his smooth forehead has me also in a trance.
It’s always a pity when the sexy jumpsuit clad bum to camera is rather ruined by the big monitor pack underneath your outfit Germany. I am laughing out loud, hope I didn’t wake the kids, I do want the other earring please, there’s really nothing else to talk about. I do hear the pitter patter of little feet coming for me though.
No one can pick on a girl in a wheelchair, Poland I love you, but not sure why you brought the bed sheets with you. Keep singing. You shine. Ditch the bed sheets. A million times better than the scantily clad maids churning butter last year.
Now as a lover of ALL things RED, Latvia…you had me at your red dress, and you can sing girl.
It’s really a shame Romania that your plane was late and you didn’t make it to the hotel to unpack your luggage before soundcheck. Better luck next year.
Oh my goodness. A HOODED SEQUINED OUTFIT IN REEEEEEEEEED AND A naked torso! Spain now we are cooking with Eurovision styled gas. Wooooow full costume reveal and a fake tear rolling down her cheek, can this entry get any better????? Favourite entry so far.
Boggie from Hungary you are gorgeous and can sing so beautifully but I’m afraid your song is waaaaaay too serious for this forum. Nice dress though.
Georgia is being represented by Morticia Adams it seems, but apparently she meditates. Perhaps she needs to meditate on nice things more. She forgot to put her skirt on too. Perhaps she could team up with Lordi from Finland for next year.
Azerbaijan, you started well until the weird reptilian dancing started. Nailed the key change, for that alone he deserved four points, whoops but then he can’t sing on pitch in new key, so he loses those points. Bummer
Apart from Russia being in all white as a left over from the Cold War era, yes, yes, yes, this is a faaaabulous entry. And hello you have an Aussie on BVs, so that’s a help.
She’s alive, she’s got a great smile with excellent teeth from Albania but perhaps her in ears need to be turned up so she can hear the melody she’s meant to be singing along to? Anyone got a gun to put the fighting cats out of their misery???? Please make it stop.
Aaaaaaaaaaah ITALY. A legit version of Il Divo. Be still my beating heart, can you boys come sing to me every day. And night. And all day long? Italy 12 points!!!!!!!!!
And just like that the songs are over, but as we all know now the real fun begins.
There’s so much to be said about the hilarious cross overs to 40 voting countries, like block voting is as always as predictable as the butt kissing for the wonderful hosting by Austria. But what I most want to know at this moment is why didn’t they prepare a SOUND OF MUSIC MEDLEY for the entertainment? Talk about missed opportunity…never mind the ginormous cow bells and glock. I want MARIA. And the Captain!
I decide who I would give points to
Italy – 12 points
Spain – 10 points
Serbia – 8 points
Sweden – 6 points
The points come in 12 points from Australia to Sweden and so on and then 12 points from Sweden to Australia.
And the winner is SWEEEEEEDEN, the SIXTH time they’ve won it. Aussies love Sweden and Sweden Loves Aussies. Which is fabulous, as it turns out I have a marriage made in Eurovision heaven given I myself am married to my very own Swedish Viking.
Time to get on with the rest of my day after I do a quick outfit change into some blue and gold Swedish-themed gear. Well deserved Sweden, but PLEASE don’t go buying multipacks of balloons for next year!
::Hej da until we see you again in Svergie next year!