Jordan King Lacroix: Word is that ASIO are tired of copping all the flack – can we just let them do their jobs?
A new memo was issued to everyone’s personal email address simultaneously last night, highlighting the frustrations of being in the security industry in a time where people are “so damn aware all the time”.
“Why can’t they just ignore it? I mean, it’s not like we want to gather all this stuff about the porn they watch,” the memo said, accompanied by a computerised voice. The computer was rendered frozen until the memo was finished.
“Sure, we sometimes have a laugh at the stuff you guys all look at, post pictures of it on our cubicles, print out lists of amusing facts about you to chat about over lunch, but it’s not like that’s all we’re doing!”
The higher-ups at ASIO are maligning the awareness of the public and wish it would go back to the days when “nobody understood computers” and they could “ as they damn well ”. It went on to describe how they were only taking orders from a secret ministry (so secret that we can’t name it here) which Prime Minister Abbott allegedly started in a shadowy underground centre much like the War Room from Dr Strangelove.
“They say a website is no good, so it goes,” the memo said. “Don’t blame us”.
“They say this web-comic is too subversive? Blocked. This porn is too dirty? Gone. This media outlet too leftist? Banished. It’s just a simple business, stop making us feel bad about it all the time!”
New cameras are set to be installed into everyone’s homes, complete with microphones, that will deliver “necessary data” on “terrorist plotting happening within the confines of the Australian nation”.
“We would appreciate it if everyone would just leave the camera alone,” the memo finished.
“They’re important. We need them. You have been notified”.
The email then suddenly disappeared, leaving no proof it was ever there. So, while the red light blinks on the cameras over the next forever, do not whisper your conversations in the hopes that they won’t hear. The mics are very good.
ASIO can hear everything.