Jordan King Lacroix watches the government slowly stop caring, and imagines a Joe Hockey thought bubble saying “Listen, you don’t matter…None of you do.”
In a bold move today, the government announced at a crowded press conference that it straight up does not care what the public thinks or even cares about the people it governs. Although rumours and speculation had abounded to this effect, this was the first real confirmation of the fact from government sources.
“Listen, you don’t matter,” Joe Hockey supposedly said to the gathered members of the pre. “None of you do.”
“And if I may speak candidly,” he went on. “Poor people gross me out. They smell, have no money, and live in areas I wouldn’t let wild animals live. If you can’t automatically get a high-paying job and buy a house in a respected area, then you are a non-person to me. There. I finally said it.”
Following the example of his fellow cabinet member, Christopher Pyne was finally able to get something off of his own chest.
“I don’t like kids,” said the Minister for Education. “Never have. Never will. They say kids are the future. I say. The future is all mine, and you can’t have it!”
It was also the first time the Prime Minister spoke openly about the situation with paying off the smugglers who bring in the majority of “boat people”.
“Yes, I paid them to turn right around,” Prime Minister Abbott purportedly said. “I don’t like immigrants. They’re foreign and they scare me and I’d rather they stayed where they were, even if that means they’ll be killed.”
This has not come as a shock to the opposition, who are outstretching their hands and screaming, “See?! We told you!”
When interviewed on the street, however, the average Australian didn’t seem to care.
“As long as I can get a drink at a reasonable price and still get Maccas in whatever suburb I’m in,” Josie Armstrong said while scratching at her newly minted Southern Cross tattoo, “I don’t care what the government does. Let them keep the non-Australians out of Australia.”
By the end of the conference, opposition members were seen with members of the Greens holding each other and weeping while the government spokespeople patted each other on the back and smiled, sighing a sigh of tremendous relief.