Chris Crocker imparts his knowledge on what he’s learned from bitter experience in TBS’ new feature on what we’ve learned about relationships.

 

Chris Crocker…I bet you are trying to work out how you know that name. He is the kid who in 2007 released the infamous video begging the world to “leave Britney alone” while heave-crying. It was great. He became an internet sensation and that video alone is sitting at over 50 million views.

What you may not know however is that since then, Chris Crocker has become somewhat of a life and relationship guru to over 1.3 million followers on Facebook, and I even think some people are calling him the new Oprah (I haven’t heard anyone say that but I imagine it is something someone would say somewhere in America). So we decided that we need all the relationship help we could get – and this is what we learned from Chris Crocker.

 

1. You can’t lie if I got wifi – when you call out your man for Facebook-flirting but he calls you the stalker.

Don’t you hate when you are dating someone new and you see them online, liking other people’s Facebook photos or comment-flirting with someone else, and you have to screenshot it and send it to all your friends for analysis? You can’t really say anything, but then after a while you can’t take it anymore. That is the point Chris deals with; when you confront them and they predictably call you a stalker. Well, Chris is not a stalker, he is a walker, bitch. He reminds us that if somebody doesn’t have the brain to know what they have when they have you, then you should be scared of them, and to not be tricked by someone who is prepared to risk “all of this” for someone cute online. “It’s not called being a stalker because I have eye-balls in my mother-fucking head, like you have balls in your pants. All them comments you sending, I can see. You just butt dialled the comment? Your ass just knew how to coincidentally spell ‘looking good babe’? How you gon’ lie when I got wifi? You can’t lie when I got wifi”. So take away message from this is that if you have an Internet connection and you confront the behaviour and it still gets denied, you better be walking – and afraid.

2. Misogyny is not okay, but buying a sassy t-shirt is.

Chris’s phrase “Can I get an a-woman” is no doubt a throwback phrase from RuPaul’s Drag Race, “How you gonna love somebody if you can’t love yourself, can I get an amen?”, or maybe even Hillsong‘s “Amen, praise Jesus, have you met Selena Gomez yet?”. But Chris takes it to a whole new level, saying the world needs to wake up and smell the perfume. This is his message: “I don’t like misogyny. I like people to really feel the holy spirit of a woman. A woman brought you into this world and a woman can take you out. Can I get an a-woman? Oh I can? Well now you can get the shirt – it’s out, MWAH!”.

3. Put things in perspective – men come and go; coffee is forever.

Sometimes we get so focused on the person we are with, we forget that they often just come and go. Chris reminds us, “Men come and go; coffee is forever – I want it in my casket”. Be kind to your coffee, fondle your coffee, Chris recommends. My coffee smells of loyalty and my tears, what does yours smell like? The deeper message here is obviously that coffee is unlikely to wake up one day and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore, or that it’s banging your flatmate (it’s the Chris Crocker version of “there are plenty more fish in the sea”). Chris also reminds us that there ain’t nothing that can’t replace a man, like when his boyfriend broke up with him and he bought food – we get it.

4.  Sometimes you need to listen to your friends about your new partner.

Often we shoot the messenger when we are dating someone who our friends don’t like, but Chris reminds us that love is like taking a sleeping pill and you just go into this dreamlike state and you don’t care about reality. His grandma added her two cents into this. Love may be blind, but sometimes your friends can see what you can’t and are trying to help save you from extreme heartache. You would be far angrier if your friends had kept information from you that would help you avoid heartache, than were they simply not supportive of your new love interest. Your friends don’t want you to lose, they want you to win – they just don’t want you to win a loser. So, it may be worth trying to discern a friend’s motives for dissing your new partner, and weighing up whether or not their criticisms come from a place of love or a place of jealousy…can I get an a-woman?

5. What to do if your man won’t commit.

Chris has some advice for those who act as if they like you one minute, but the next minute they don’t: pay your damn water bill in the romance department. This hot and cold stuff doesn’t fly. Chris says we need to know what temperatures you’re working with, ’cause if you can’t commit to all 360 degrees of this, you might need to be committed…to the nut house. No one has time for games; if you’re leading someone on, where are you leading them to? A green pasture or a dead end road. If it’s obvious that a man is leading you on, quitting leading yourself on – this is where he gets all preachy in a good way:

“Do you see how pedigree I am? Only the best can get up in this nest – so quit leading people on and quit being led on”.

Word.

 

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