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Abbott government plans to annex Pluto


With the monumental NASA pass-by of Pluto due this week, we at TBS have obtained leaked emails that outline the government’s plan to Australianise the (almost) planet.


(12/7/15 1030)


From: Australian Government


I’m not sure if you remember us, but we’re Australia.

Your parents might. We were a big bit of the original moon landing, when our glorious Aussie hero Sam Neill overcame a series to comical mishaps to successfully relay the TV signal from the mob up there and create history. Remember?

We do.

Now, I know its been a while since we last spoke; but this is regarding Pluto and the pass-by scheduled for this week (which we’re all very excited about).

We’re just wondering if we can have it?

Below we’ve outlined a proposal on how we’d be the most suitable tenants of the new planet:

  • It’s an underdog. Pluto was a planet, and now it’s not. We, as a proud nation love plucky battlers such as Pluto, and our citizenry will take it to our bosom, as we feel no other nation can do. It’ll be a planet to us. We’re more than happy to institute a public holiday to celebrate whatever discoveries are made this week.
  • It’s in the middle of nowhere. Google us; see?
  • It is mostly made of rock. We have a series of notable rocks, which we proudly paint, merchandise and like.
  • We already have stars on our flag, and have space to add more. Whereas we in cabinet feel you guys (America) do not.

We’ll let you go, because we know you’re busy. Please feel free to contact us at a time of your convenience.

P.S. Congrats by the way.

P.P.S. How does Eastern Australia sound?


(12/7/15 10:45)

To: China

From: Australian Government


I’m not sure if you remember us, but we’re Australia.

Just thought we’d let you know, we’ve just come into a large amount (7,232km) of pristine, unused, blue chip farming land.

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