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5 reasons why Anders Breivik would be the study-buddy from hell

Anders Breivik

 

With Anders Breivik now enrolled at Oslo University, we discuss the five reasons why he’d be a quality ring-in for a group assignment.

 

There’s always one. One in every group. When the books are drawn, and the groups are cast, regardless of the setting – be it university, high school or work, there’s that one person you hope against hope that you won’t get saddled with. Pity, then, the unfortunate student who gets Anders Breivik. After his deplorable politically-fuelled Utøya rampage that brought a nation to its knees, young Anders has decided his political science career needs a booster.

Ole Petter Ottersen, head of Oslo University granted his wish, simply stating that “It’d be a slippery slope” to deny Anders the opportunity to learn. Cue the guttural public outcry, set to the bassline of every chair in the Norwegian tertiary system conspicuously scraping away from Anders direction.

It doesn’t matter. School is in for Breivik. His next victims may well be the hundreds of degrees, scattered to the breeze. Or at the very least, the butchered carcass of a handful of awkward introductory conversations.

“…So…what did you do before this?”

Is he a monster? Yes.

Does he deserve to rot in jail? Absolutely.

Would he be a bad study buddy? …maybe not.

If you’re an ambitious Oslo University student actively seeking to escape the degree you chose, here’s five reasons to put your hand up when that particular question is asked:

  • Poli-Sci is bland, but you can rely on Anders to complete the work. He’s got nothing else to do. It’ll free you up for important university business. Like sleeping. Or daytime drinking.
  • When presentation time rolls around, he’d want to do all the talking.
  • He’ll be studying via correspondence from solitary confinement, so there’s no chance he’ll just crash at your house one night and never leave.
  • They’ll be none of those prickly forty-minute questions after your assessment to explain what you’ve already explained – suspiciously, it’ll always be time to “move on”.
  • Normal rules won’t apply to you. You’d be viewed as the student big enough to see the value in educating the devil. They’d probably pop you on the honours list to keep you quiet, and them out of the PR cyclone.

The only compunction, of course, would be the trading of ethics for advancement. Yeah, you’ll be an outcast, but you don’t go to University to make friends do you? You’re there to learn.

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