The cash reserves at Apple now top $178b. Are they going to splurge? No. Boring! JKL chimes in with his investment ideas. What about yours?


It occurred to me suddenly while I was in a pit of despair over whether I could afford to buy the can of beans that would be my next three meals, or if I needed that money to afford rent for a month, that people with a lot more money than I, might not have such delicate problems. Apple, for instance, has a lot of money. And if I were them, I’d like to think I’d spend it in some creative ways.


  1. Hold Gladiatorial Battles

Money can buy a lot of things. One of those things is the legal exemption to a staggering number of crimes. So, when an employee or, to be honest, any member of the general public displeases Apple, I think they should hold a gladiatorial battle. That way, we would see things like Taylor Swift vs Snoop. Or presidential candidate Donald Trump vs his reflection in the mirror. I think Apple would make bank streaming these events live on iTunes and any up and coming musician would be vying for a spot as the musical guest of the week.


  1. Establish a lunar base

I think once your net worth exceeds countries’, you need an appropriate base of operations to indicate to everyone around you how much better than them you are. For Apple, I really see a Moonraker style base, complete with death ray, or “development” ray. They could even pass it off as an investment in man’s future amongst the stars, given the amount of press these sorts of things have been getting lately, what with SpaceX and New Dawn. They could even throw a catchy name – like iMoon – up there and people will think it an adorable marketing strategy when really they will look down upon our doomed heads and laugh.


  1. Feed third world nations

I know this one doesn’t seem as conceptually neat as the first two, but hear me out. There’s more to this than philanthropy. When someone is thinking about how hungry they are, they certainly aren’t thinking about buying a new iPad, iPod, iMac or iPhone now are they? Eliminate the hunger and suddenly – according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – their desire to satiate their creature comfort needs will be next on the list.


  1. Resurrect Steve Jobs.

We all miss him. Surely there’s enough money to invest in raising the dead. It didn’t look that expensive when Doctor Frankenstein achieved the feat. Apple could make it wireless too – everybody wins! Company mission statement unfettered, the head of the company back, bloodthirstier than ever! It’s a capital making dream! Who’d dare argue at the Quarterly investors conference when a unhinged reanimated Jobs lurches around the stage mumbling revenge and revoking promises of increased battery life? Who?!

Personal information! RRRRRRRR!


  1. Actually create something new and worth buying

You’d think that with all their money and time, Apple would be able to do something more than pump out essentially the same product over and over again each year. I know, if I had their resources, I’d really hunker down and make something fascinating – really try and outdo my last invention. Remember when the first iMac came out? Or the iPhone? Or the iPad? Or the Macbook Air? Or, best of all, the iPod Classic? That stuff was gold. It took ideas that were either theoretical or ugly and turned them into beautiful, easily marketed necessities. Since then, it’s been like the past decade at the movies – remakes and sequels as far as the eye can see.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, help me, I need money and I think Apple has some to spare. Spare a quarter? Will write copy for food.


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