With Tony Abbott hailing his solution to the employment problem, Jordan King-Lacroix outlines the subtler points of his genius JobShare scheme.
Soon after it was announced that simultaneously the employment and the unemployment rates had mysteriously risen since the Abbott Government was elected in 2013, the Prime Minister came out and spoke to journalists, letting them in on the secrets to his success.
“I vowed that when I entered office, I would eliminate the unemployment problem in Australia,” the Prime Minister supposedly said at the press conference, a wry smile cracking its way across his face.
“Well, I’m proud to finally announce that JobShare has been an unbridled success.”
A document was then handed out to the gathered newspeople explaining the intricate details of the scheme. It was a deceptively simple plan. The Abbott Government decided to create an array of jobs, in a wide variety of sectors, advertising them as normal.
“This was to make sure that people would apply for the jobs,” the PM allegedly told journalist Nathan McHale.
“It had to all appear normal. Above board.”
The key was, however, that none of these jobs would ever be filled. That way, the employment rate would appear to go up because new jobs were being created. Then, to stimulate the economy – or, rather, the coffers of parliament – the salaries for those jobs were paid to a politician, drawn at random from a hat.
“Joe Hockey technically works four jobs at McDonald’s,” an anonymous source said. “The Prime Minister has two positions as university lecturers which are always covered by co-workers. Hockey went on about people needing to just ‘find a better job’; he never said anything about them actually getting it.”
When asked why the jobs weren’t given to unemployed people, the PM gave the querying journalist a cock-eyed look, and made an impassioned speech about how the money was “going to the right places,” instead of being “in the hands of the uneducated poor”.