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The Shorten Shift: 5 ways we can fix labor

Bill Shorten is in trouble. Lagging behind Turnbull as preferred PM, we thought we’d help him out. And by that I mean help us out.


‘Never give a man a sword who can’t dance’, someone once said. After registering the results of the recent Fairfax poll, showing Turnbull’s outrageous lead as preferred PM, Bill Shorten is nut-bushing the political landscape with the jelly-like circumference of an Uncle with an inner-ear infection, rusted scimitar gripped in his teeth.

From a political standpoint, it means Bill is going to get desperate. Which is good. Because it means we can take advantage. Bill’s slip affords us the opportunity for real change. The change we need to see in our Commonwealth. Not meaningful policy change, no, but the small things in life, the things we can’t buy.

In concert with our finest Political minds, we’ve come up with some suggestions for Bill to survive


1) The Televised RDO Lottery

During the Vietnam War, the Australian Government horrifically televised the results of conscription. Lives held hostage by the indifferent behest of a bingo machine. If your number came up, your time was up. Horrible, strange times, yes.

But the system itself was sound.

So, we say, bring back the Lottery, but rejig it for Rostered Days Off.

If your number comes up, put your feet up.


2) Exchange votes for one-day ambassadorships

Australia has a lot of embassies. In grand locations. Why should a notable ambulance chasing lawyer-cum-ambassador have a monopoly on Polynesian afternoon sun? In an easy trade, a vote for Labor is a day on the beach.


3) Greenlight contentious Public Holidays

Public Holidays are confusing. Some states have them, but others don’t. We’re calling for a uniform calendar.

There is another pickle within the jar.

Melbourne Cup Day has always been an ‘unofficial’ public holiday, that needs to change. But why stop there, Bill? There are grand Australians who need to be honoured by not going to work. Some suggestions:

February 17 – Dame Edna Everage Day

April 12 – Magda’s Birthday

November 25 – Price is Right Remembrance Day

September 14 – Lib Spillsmas


4) Political Jobswap aka Take your Bill to work day!

There’s a long-held Australian aphorism which highlights our ability to do a far better job than that of our elected officials. Which I agree with, but the question is, can he do your job?

Let’s find out.


5) Vote which word Bill can randomly slip into Question Time

Question Time, as of late has been rather staid. Turnbull, for the large part, has run roughshod over Shorten, and the Speaker of the House stepping in to negate the verbal floggings from both sides of the floor. Which alas doesn’t make good Television. It just sounds like forty-five minutes of rabble, with little discussed in the way of Politics.

If that’s the way it is destined to continue lads, fine. But let us exercise our Democratic right if you’re going to shirk it.


By instituting, in concert with the ABC, an SMS voting system (a la Big Brother evictions), where we, the marginalised majority, get to vote which word Bill can randomly slip into his Questioning. When that gets boring, we can revamp it to trickier sentences.

Make Politics popular again. It’s Time.


Do you have any suggestions that you’d like to see the Shorten Government implement? Let us know!

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