Time-travel realist Tom Caru looks at the sparse gap between what was promised in Back to the Future II, and what we ended up with.
I have read a few intelligent articles written recently about our calendar finally ticking over to the infamous date of October 21, 2015 – the date that Marty McFly arrives in the future in “Back to the Future II”.
Well, this isn’t going to be one of those articles. That was the future back then.
I don’t care that there has been a recent push to use biofuels in our cars instead of fossil fuels (remember Mr Fusion above the engine of the DeLorean?) if I can’t shove half my banana, peel included, into my petrol tank right now then I don’t want to hear about it.
“Jaws 19” doesn’t exist, to make matters worse, “Jaws 4-18” don’t even fucking exist. I think it is safe to say that Hollywood dropped the ball on that one. What do we have instead? Seven fucking “Fast and Furious” films, with number eight arriving in 2017. How is that even possible? Honestly, I think I would have preferred 19 shark movies, at least all the required character deaths would have ensured a steady influx of new cast members.
I don’t care that Marty’s self-drying jacket apparently prompted the world’s burgeoning fascination with wearable technology. If I can’t dry myself in a matter of minutes, after falling into a fountain while trying to take a selfie, I don’t want to hear about it. Seriously, the Apple watch isn’t even waterproof! (They’re going to have to change that before all the new Jaws movies are made or else product placement will be impossible.)
Oh sure, Lexus has invented a hoverboard. One that costs a billion dollars and only works on a specifically designed surface that only exists at one location in the world. Not Hill Valley California my friends but Cubelles, Spain. Spain! How am I meant to get to Spain?! Especially after I’ve spent every single dollar in the bank to buy the hoverboard itself?
To be fair, the actual cost of hoverboards in “Back to the Future II” is never mentioned. For all we know Griff and his cronies planned on robbing the bank just so they could continue to make the insanely steep loan repayments on the billion dollar hoverboards they already owned.
Where is my flying Jeep Wrangler with my custom camouflage paint job? Where are flying cars, period?!
Lift your game Lexus.
But now that I really think about it, I wouldn’t feel very safe living in a world where both flying cars and selfie-sticks existed. Although, it would make the plot of “Fast and Furious 12” wayyy more interesting.
We don’t even have those super mini Pizza Hut pizzas that magically get bigger when you bake them in your oven. We barely even have Pizza Hut itself! Who cares about miniature frozen foods, just bring back all you can eat soft-serve dessert buffets.
I guess our version of 2015 isn’t a complete disappointment. Despite fossil fuels, shitty sequels, shark baiting and sodden clothes we do have smartphones, Netflix and the freeing of the nipple. But Tinder can only fill the void to a certain point.
Sure one-night stands are easier than ever to instigate but wouldn’t they be even easier if you could pay for the cab ride home with your thumbprint? Or dress more quietly in the dark if your shoes laced themselves?
I think the moral of the story is this; don’t procrastinate.
The future will be here before you know it, so start chasing your dreams today. I know, this is heavy. If you so covet the inventions we’ve missed out on, do something about it.
But, you’ll excuse me if the only direction I travel through time, is backwards.
I’m a realist.