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Satire/Don’t Sue: The true purpose and terrifying cost of the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) is revealed – thanks to an anonymous Liberal party source.
An insider from the Liberal cabinet met this journalist in an abandoned warehouse to deliver this urgent memo – an urgent memo regarding the newly signed Trans-Pacific Partnership or TPP. They told me it had to be read. They told me that it was going to be redacted and hidden from the public. They couldn’t allow that to happen.
“Publish it in full,” they said. “It’s the only way the truth will get out.”
And then they fled into the night, having not been heard from since. This journalist just hopes that it was not a move in haste.
Below is the memo, printed in full:
From the desk of Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister.
For Your Eyes Only
RE: Cost of TPP
First of all, I’d like to thank you for all of your support over the past few weeks. It hasn’t been an easy job cleaning up after the former Cabinet, but we’ve made some decent headway. Abetz is starting to go a little off the rails, and will be dealt with in due course.
People are reacting well to the stances taken on a variety of issues. I think the public is pleased by our speaking out on domestic violence and the promise of future investment in science. But our successes are not what I’m writing to you about. What follows is one of the most important things – if not the most important thing – on our agenda.
You are aware that the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) has been signed by myself recently, in accordance with what I see as the best path for Australia. Prime Minister Abbott was in favour of it, and so am I.
You are surely aware of the changes that will take place regarding food safety standards, environmental protections, health and medicine access, and local labour laws. It also affects how and what copyrighted material can be accessed on the Internet.
But this isn’t the full story. No one but you all must know the full story. At first I was reticent to share this with as many of you as I am, but it seems necessary, given the impending circumstances for our great nation. Do not reveal any part of this memo to even your family members, for it will result in your immediate termination – and not just from your job.
If you do not think you can handle the responsibility, cease reading at this point and see me immediately; we will reassign you. For those who want to stay on where they are, continue reading.
The actual cost of the partnership is more than just money and health care access, and environmental damage. It is a cost paid in blood to the Great Old Ones. For certain, you have heard of them. The great slumbering Gods, the hideous monstrosities that lie beneath the crust of our Earth.
Yes, they are real. And they are waking. With this agreement, we can finally bring them to the surface, finally allow them rise like the Great Prophecy states, and be bathed in their glorious fire. You were indoctrinated with the Great Prophecy when you were inducted into the Liberal Party, but now you know the fullest extent of it.
Now, the time is fast approaching where the Great Old Ones will awaken from their slumber, and they will be hungry. By weeding out health care access, destroying the environment, spreading joblessness and filling our prisons, we will make sure the Old Gods have enough cattle to feed upon. This will please them and bring us into a new era of sublime prosperity. They will reward us. And their rewards will be great.
Power, my cabinet. Power. And Glory.
If you feel there is a backbencher worthy of this divine secret, please see me immediately before deciding on your own. Transgressors will be punished and fed to the Old Ones.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!