Loud chewers crushing tomorrow’s genius

Kate Turner’s number-one pet peeve is people who chew loudly, and according to a scientific study, it makes her a genius.


Let me set the scene. It’s early morning; you’re at home, preparing for the day ahead. You can hear birds singing their cheerful morning score, a group of school kids running to the bus stop, while the rest of the city waking for another lively day. All these sounds you can handle; they bring a certain comfort that a new day has arrived, and it’s going to be glorious.

There are sounds, however, that do not bring comfort, nor do they bring joy. They do, however, inspire rage that could make Gordon Ramsay find Jesus. And it’s all in the name of creativity.


Someone’s jaws smacking and mulching away at some toasted bread. There’s a slight difference to this morning, this time it has a sticky sound. Oh man, there’s a banana on the toast isn’t there. It hits your ears the way nails on a chalk board does.

My ideas are out the door cause all I can hear is you.

I mean that hatred isn’t unfounded, and yes, I am a horrible person and I am sorry – but that sound makes nice people become bastards.

I’ve gotten so far in this un-deserved hatred that I can tell who it is eating without even being in the room. I know their sound. I just have to walk away before this crazy becomes my crazy reality.

Fortunately, there’s a slight salve for the searing wounds upon my psyche…we sound-hating haters may, in fact, be creative geniuses!

A study has charted the idea that if noise makes it nearly impossible for you to concentrate on your work, and you have to go to extremes to block it out; that in silence, your brain will be able reach places others can’t.

Being able to block out unwanted noise can only benefit the creative process of “creating” something outside the usual daily focus. Soon enough you’ll be thinking up something crazy and amazing; soon enough being deemed a genius.

Creative master Marcel Proust was so put off by outward sounds he lined his room with cork to block it out.

Well, it makes me feel a little better, instead of like a psycho bitch when I hear people snoring.

Oh, man, snorers! I’m a nice person to your face, but don’t take that as me being genuine. In my head, I’m thinking of ways I can wear your face.

If you’re a night owl like me, working late into the wee hours, you’ll get this. It disturbs the process, which disturbs me. In your head, a violent monster now speaks. Your creativity manifests itself in schemes and plots of violence. I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?

Oh right, I’m becoming a genius, that’s what’s up.

Open-mouth chewers can have me biting my gums. I’m deep in my writing zone and somehow traffic, kids screaming, and the freakin’ whole world can’t break through, but you loud chewer, you can just walk on in…eating your potato chips, dropping crumbs on my shoulder. I give you a stare like “Can you fucking not!”

And you, well you just reach for your banana (no pun intended) and start peeling that evil bastard.

I look at it, and then look at you, then it, then you. You raise the long pale yellow fruit to your mouth. It hits your hungry lips and you slide it in between your teeth, eager to experience its banana taste. Yeah, I know…this is sounding somewhat pornographic. I’m not sure whether to be turned on or completely repulsed by it?

Then you start chewing. And there it goes. You stopped my creative flow, I am not turned on by your display, my creativity is now nada and everything I had ready to write has disappeared and all to be heard is you and your big fat gob, gobbing away. You finish your sexy banana, and just walk away like nothing happened. Unbeknownst to you that you just destroyed my career. What a prick!

I start thinking about how expensive it would be to soundproof my room and or office and by a lock for the door… or even start wearing earmuffs on a 24-hour basis. I may have gone completely mental in the meantime.

Did I just write sexy banana?

So it’s settled, we creatives don’t have unprovoked rage issues, we’re just your typical run of the mill genius.

I think we’ve all learnt something here today.

Well, I did.



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