Andrew Wright doesn’t want to face another sunburnt Christmas, so he’s come up with a radical plot to move it.


Whose genius idea was it to keep Christmas at the end of the year? For generation upon generation we, my fellow Australians, we have put up with both sweltering heat and frayed – or should that be fried? – tempers.

Well, I’ve had enough.

I’ve had enough of Christmas Carols in the only chilled spaces in the country, shopping centres. I’ve had enough of having to fight, figuratively speaking, for the parking spots in the shade. And I’ve absolutely had enough of spending my holidays participating in the main recreation of trying to lie as still as humanly possible.

I say it’s high time we shift Christmas.

We need to move it to a time of the year when the weather is kinder to us. When we aren’t going to suffer third-degree burns walking between the car and the beach, and when sitting outside with friends doesn’t flirt with heatstroke.

And what of roasted food?

Who thought it would be a good idea to keep the traditions of roasted animals – If we move Christmas to the cooler months, we can keep the roast, but enjoy it. I’ll stick to my nut and mushroom loaf, but don’t let me stop you killing a turkey and a pig – if you need to keep those traditions going. I’ll still eat with you.

The point is, nobody should be having to sweat over a roast.

It’s unhygienic! We should all be able to stay warm by the heat of the oven whilst it cooks. While there’s still snow on Kosciusko, we’ll be cool enough in Canberra to enjoy it. I’ll be honest with you now.

Then there are the lights. What is the use of having all of those front yards filled with thousands of LEDs, mostly for the enjoyment of the children, when it’s too light to see them until way past bedtime? Christmas should be at a time when the sun is still setting before bedtime so the children can properly enjoy them, and so the parents don’t have over-tired kids. I’m sure we’d all benefit.

I couldn’t really care less about your feelings in the rest of Australia.

Because it’s here the decision will be made, and in our best interests, we may as well make the right decision for us.

So, my proposal is that we move Christmas to September. September sounds a bit like December, so it’ll be easy to remember. The weather is better, the sun sets earlier and the coffee doesn’t make us sweat like pigs.

There is another alternative. For those who miss the Christmases from the North, where going outside is only for mad dogs and Englishmen, but for the opposite reason; it’s blooming cold! We could move Christmas by the full six months to experience our first Winter Christmas. None of the Christmas in July celebrations need to change, they would only need to take the “in July” part off the title. Genius. My wife could feel justified (and slightly warmer) wearing one of those gaudy Christmas knitted jumpers. You know, the ones with snow flakes and reindeer in tessellations across them.

So, instead of the government potentially wasting time and money on referendums to decide on whether or not to include this land’s Indigenous Peoples in our imposed Constitution, or to separate from the Monarchy – topics doomed to fail because some may resist – let’s push for a topic not coloured by political views, one which everyone can get behind.

Christmas 2016. July or September.

Don’t bother asking if people think it should stay where it is. That’s not even conceivable.

So, Australia, July or September? Cool or flipping freezing?


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