With the event celebrating the anniversary of the terrible 2005 Cronulla race riots to go ahead on Friday, Troy Maguire has an advance copy of the schedule. This is of course satire btw…


To commemorate the 10-year anniversary of the world-famous ’05 Riots, the Cronulla City Council has announced that it will be hosting the first annual Beach Bash, to be held on Friday December 11, 2015.

The proceedings, which are scheduled to kick off at 12:00pm, will open with an impassioned speech from guest speaker (and Beach Bash sponsor) Pauline Hanson, and close with a special appearance from local law enforcement officers. Hanson, who has made no secret of her patriotism, will be addressing the crowd on a number of issues that are near and dear to her heart. Namely, stopping those Goddamn boats.

As an added bonus, Alan Jones will be covering the history-making event on his radio show, so you can listen to the Beach Bash while you’re at the Beach Bash. The ensuing festivities will also be accompanied by live performances from the following artists: a boombox with an AC/DC CD in it, so don’t miss out.

Unsurprisingly, the Beach Bash has attracted an overwhelming amount of criticism from the Australian branch of the PC Police. These twaddling lefty twonks have taken to Twitter in an attempt to twit true blues with tweets like, “#Iamracistbut I luv kebabs ha ha I am dum.” Consequently, the hashtag has started trending on the aforementioned social media site. This “Tweetire” (or “Twatire” as it’s become known), has understandably provoked outrage and indignation from fair dinkum Aussies, who rightly claim that they are being marginalised for their beliefs, and that regurgitating the opinions of one’s opponents, albeit with spelling errors, is neither funny, nor clever.

The dress code, which will be strictly enforced, includes thongs (both kinds), Eureka headscarves, mirrored sunglasses, high-vis vests and an unwarranted sense of pride in achievements you played no part in.

Be forewarned, anyone caught wearing even the slightest semblance of self-awareness will be promptly ejected from the premises. The same goes for anyone who is found to have arrived sober, or behind the wheel of anything other than a Holden. Security guards will be stationed around the perimeter of the pavilion, and have been instructed to breathalyse all attendees.

Those who blow below 0.05 will not be admitted.

Inside the pavilion, vendors will be selling goods and providing services to suit all ages. So why wave one flag when you’ve got two hands? Pick up another at one of all of the stands. Got a face on your head? Why not get your warpaint on? With options ranging from red and blue, to blue and red, there’s plenty to choose from. Want something a little more permanent? Head down to the human-cattle-branding stall and have the Southern Cross seared into ya leathery hide. One design fits all.

Do you identify with antiauthoritarian Aussie icons like Ned Kelly, Crocodile Dundee and the bloke from The Castle? Stick it to the man with a vintage If You Don’t Love It, Leave Woolies wife-beater. Is uncivil disobedience more your style? Stop by the bottling gallery, hit six guns with six “rounds,” and score yourself a pair of novelty handcuffs. Want to immortalise the momentous occasion? Swing past the mugshot booth and get a family photo taken by a professional camera.

With respect to catering and amenities, haram-certified food and drink will be made available, and portapotties will be located in a number of designated areas (refer to map). Be advised, however, that these facilities are for “bush-ranging” only, so please, please, do not use them for their intended purpose.

Free entry will be granted to those sporting less than five teeth, a We Grew Here, You Flew Here bumper sticker, and a coats of arms, Made In Australia or Such Is Life tattoo. Furthermore, everyone is encouraged to participate in the I Love A Sunburnt Cunt fancy dress competition, which is to be presided over by a panel of judges consisting of two oncologists and three dermatologists. As to the prizes that are up for grabs, first degree will receive a personalised license plate of their choice; second degree, a six-pack of VB and a carton of Winnie Blues; and third degree, a Fuck Off, We’re Full t-shirt. Remember, no matter where you place, everyone’s a winner.

All are invited to come down and celebrate everything that makes the land Down Under the best in the world – mateship, larrikinism, and good old-fashioned binge-drinking. All, except, of course, for darkies, chinks, and ragheads. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be convicted of aggravated assault. So bring ya missus, bring ya parole officer, and bring all ten of ya kids, because this year’s Beach Bash is sure to be a riot.

NB: A Facebook event page will be set up soon, so keep an eye out for it.


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