Jordan King Lacroix

About Jordan King Lacroix

Jordan King-Lacroix was born in Montreal, Canada but moved to Sydney, Australia when he was 8 years old. He has achieved a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Sydney and McGill University, Canada, as well as a Masters of Creative Writing from the University of Sydney.

NSW: Like it’s a bad joke

Approx Reading Time-10Inspired by the NSW Government, JKL is turning our city into a comedy show for the Biennale, but don’t laugh. It’s not funny – Jordan King-Lacroix

 


With the Sydney Biennale around the corner, I’ve been inspired to etch a stand-up routine to allow tourists to catch a glimpse of the real New South Wales. It’ll be called It’s like a bad joke.

Fortunately, the Government has done most of the work for me, but I still want to beat them to their ridiculous punchline, for I fear their show has a bigger audience.

 

It’s like a bad joke

Peter Dutton.

(pause for laughter)

So, did you hear the one about the abuse victims from Parramatta Girls?

They’re being told by the NSW Government to repay previous compensation payments after they reached an out-of-court settlement. A group of women were abused during their stay at the creepily named Parramatta Girls Training School, which was run by the NSW Government between the 1950s and the early 1970s.

The victims sought compensation for past misdeeds and were awarded small sums of money under the NSW Victims’ Rights and Support Act 2013. Here’s the twist: the Government now wants their initial compensation payments given back. Good one, Government.

Thank goodness we’ve got a religion in our corner, as we’re lead by “God’s Own” Mike Baird. You know this guy? We call him Dad because he makes the rules and doesn’t follow them. (That, and he doesn’t know how to use the Facebook.)

He believes he is “serving Jesus” in the positions he holds. He wants to make sure our souls are saved on his watch, which is, you know, good for us. If Jesus lived here, would he do as Stoner Sloth did and mope quietly in disgust? Would Baird slap a lock-out law on Jesus’ ability to make wine after 10pm? Does he even have a liquor licence, Michael?

Kings Cross joke. Always popular. Ready?

Knock knock.
(long pause)
Oh, they’re closed.

No?

What do you call a night out in the city?
Shit.

Booze. Religion, let’s get real, and talk about something we can all get on board: Sydney public transport. I know, I know – CityFail, am I right?

Because they don’t…you know.

(In case of heckle: How’d you get here tonight, mate? Drive did ya?)

Anyway, it’s not the greatest in the world, but it’s not too bad. Sure, buses and trains are kinda late sometimes, but we can go anywhere in Sydney, usually within four hours of our original appointment time and that’s the system to which we’re accustomed. We get what we pay for. We pay little, we expect little.

Now the Baird Government wants to put it up for sale. Um, did these guys learn nothing from the great Victorian debacle? Those trains and trams are only listed as “on time” because they skip stations to make it to certain stations (like Flinders St) at certain times. We don’t want to pay more for the same results. Privatising will cause a price hike – like on the Airport Line – and it will mean less regulation for what can and cannot be done.

But who needs regulated public transport? Or to get anywhere on time? We’ve only got the beach and the zoo. No rush, brah.

We chose to live next to railway lines for a reason. It’s who we are and it’s our right. Now those Bairdy types want to change that because they’re too lazy to fix it?

It’s okay, they’re busy fixing the health care system. Or making housing more affordable (knowing nod).

After all, aren’t these things only for the privileged few? Besides, if you can afford health care and a home, you’re certainly not rich enough to catch the train. Where are you off to anyway, deadbeat?

Our Government, ladies and gentlemen. The Harbour City, named for the amount of grudges we internalise.

Hey, baby, you live around here?
No?
Good, take me with you.

Thank you, goodnight!

 

Share via