Some weeks pass without note. Others, you feel that the world may end. This week was the latter, headlined by Trump’s Stump. Oh dear. – Rob Idol
Hello all and welcome to this week’s Current Affairs Wrap. The teachings of Sigmund Freud are front-and-centre this week, with the Republican debate reduced to the size of one’s implement, a former PM going full Oedipal on his own party and Cory Bernardi unleashed upon the world of international diplomacy.
I’m sorry. I know this is about the 200th week running where I’m opening on Trump…I’m getting sick of it too. We all are.
When the human race looks back, hundreds of years from now at what caused the dystopian world they inhabit, I’ll be lauded as a modern-day Nostradamus. Hopefully. In fairness, it doesn’t take a supernatural level of foresight to see that what was once a mildly amusing joke has turned into a serious situation, where you laugh, but only because you’re unsure how to react.
This week saw Super Tuesday in the US. Super Tuesday is the penultimate event in the incredibly drawn out process of selecting the opposing Presidential candidates. Or to put it another way, it’s kind of like a prequel to The Hunger Games. Here’s a much better explanation into its inner workings.
Super Tuesday saw Trump and Clinton all but confirm that they will be the respective candidates for their parties come November. It saw the world realise that (love her or hate her), Hillary Rodham Clinton is now basically Luke Skywalker…our last chance to prevent the Sith from taking over the galaxy. For those not big on the force of my Star Wars metaphors or want a full breakdown of the day that was, check out the TBS recap.
The Trump induced panic taking over the globe has infiltrated his own party. Put simply, The Republican power brokers themselves have become the Galactic Senate, publicly shitting bricks in the realisation that in their blind quest for victory, they’ve just handed the keys to the kingdom to Palpatine, the Dark Lord hiding in plain sight (last Star Wars reference, I promise). Former GOP Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney, has now publicly come out basically begging the party faithful not to vote for Trump. Trump’s eloquent response? A blow job gag. Wowzers.
Just when you thought the quality of political discourse couldn’t possibly sink any lower, Trump then took the opportunity to assure the public that his oversized ego is backed up by his Holmesian sized appendage (not to mention his beautiful hands). Maybe Romney should be a little concerned about that punchline…
The general population have also started preparing for the worst, with reports suggesting that Canada’s Citizenship and Immigration website saw a significant spike in US traffic as the results of Super Tuesday started rolling in. The increase in traffic came at the same time that Google saw a significant spike in searches for the phrase “moving to Canada” from US-based IP addresses.
If he does win the US Presidency, I hereby retract all of the above and the countless disparaging remarks I have made about him and hereby pledge my allegiance to our new Orange-yan Overlord.
Fortunately, Armageddon may be upon us well before Trump can settle into the oval office, with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un continuing his scheduled nuclear threats this week. In response, the UN handed down new, stronger sanctions on North Korea. The resolution that brought the sanctions had more than 50 co-sponsors, including China who have been a long time supporter of North Korea…well, supporter, in the way that you support your drunk, violent, frequently incarcerated nephew. You know, save them from themselves. (And the US ’50-’53. – Ed)
Jong-Un responded by placing his nuclear arsenal on high alert, indicating that his nuclear weapons would be ready to launch “at any time” and also suggesting that a pre-emptive strike could be on the table. The threats won’t be of huge concern to their intended target, the US, as experts agree that North Korea is very unlikely to have the capability to launch anything remotely effective towards the US mainland. Even if they managed to launch, the US missile defence system would easily be able to quash the threat. If the strike was directed towards neighbourly foe South Korea, or any of the US’s allies in the Asia-Pacific region like Japan or Australia, then there would be a greater chance of success. That deterrent should be enough to prevent anything from happening, but it depends on the yet to be resolved mystery of whether Kim Jong-Un is the megalomaniac he claims to be, or the Freudian wet dream that most of us suspect he is.
Continuing with what has now become a Megalomaniac/Apocalyptic/Freud theme this week, the former darling of the Editorial team, Tony Abbott, has forced himself into the headlines again this week. Starting with what I originally assumed was a strategic segue designed to launch his stand-up comedy career, Abbott wrote an essay for a conservative journal this week in which he suggested that he would have won the next election and that he wears his 2014 budget as a “badge of honour.”
Putting aside the ridiculousness of being proud of an austerity-laced budget designed to continue the alarming trend of rewarding the rich for being rich and punishing the poor for not being rich, it simply must be a foregone conclusion now that Abbott is either the world’s greatest satirist or batshit crazy. More alarmingly, the man affectionately remembered as the worst cricketer in Australia, former PM Johnny Howard concurred, also suggesting Abbott would have won the next election.
Throwing further credibility behind that theory, an explosive new book is set to be released next week, delving into the relationship between Tony Abbott and his chief of staff Peta Credlin. The book, titled Road to Ruin: How Tony Abbott and Peta Credlin Destroyed Their Own Government was penned by The Australian journalist, Niki Savva, who I’m convinced doesn’t actually exist and is simply Malcolm Turnbull’s pen name.
The book suggests that the relationship between Abbott and Credlin was unusual to say the least, with the two being “slavishly dependent” on each other. It includes anecdotes such as one MP witnessing Credlin using her fork to feed Abbott mouthfuls of food from her plate and then putting her head on his shoulder to complain about being tired once the meal concluded. It also suggested that Abbott had convinced himself that he simply couldn’t do his job without Credlin by his side and she wholeheartedly agreed.
Rumors of an affair between the two were also mentioned, although it sounds to me like this was a little more “Norman and Norma Bates” than “Romeo and Juliet”. The book also includes a quote from NSW Liberal MP Concetta Fierravanti-Wells, which i’m calling early as my favourite quote of the year. She confronted Credlin and asked her to resign saying: “One day, Tony will be sitting on a park bench in Manly feeding the pigeons, and he will blame you.”
Easily the most accurate visual of our former PM I’ve heard to date.
One last bite from the depths of my ramshackle Freudian theory sees Cory Bernardi in the news again this week. Bernardi is joining a bipartisan delegation to the UN on a three month secondment. Bernardi, an outspoken critic of the UN, is said to be “delighted” to have been chosen for the delegation by his colleagues.
Whilst the move is an obvious attempt by his party to send him as far away as possible in an election year to mitigate the inevitable damage he will continue to cause, I’m personally hoping that it’s just a masterful Turnbull ruse which will see Cory’s plane land around 2000 km south of his alleged New York destination in Guantanamo Bay. That or the Hague to front the International Criminal Court on “crimes against humanity charges.”
Wacky and Wonderful
To the UK where a man formerly known as Simon Smith has changed his name by deed poll to “Bacon Double Cheeseburger.” The Burger King fan has told the media that he felt like a change and his “usual” was the first thing that popped into his head. Surprisingly, his fiancee Isabella hasn’t run for the hills but has indicated a limit in her support by refusing to become “Mrs Double Cheeseburger” – she will be retaining her own name after their impending nuptials. It’s kind of fitting given that, as most late night revellers will tell you, Bacon Double Cheeseburgers are quite often in the “seemed like a good idea at the time” category of drunken sustenance – a sentiment that Mr Double Cheeseburger might share the next time he applies for a job.
A capuchin monkey has wreaked havoc in Brazil this week after wandering into a bar, downing a few glasses of Cachaca (a popular Portuguese spirit distilled from sugar cane) and proceeding to go on a drunken rampage after arming himself with a kitchen knife.
In a display that makes me question whether capuchins are actually native to Australia, the monkey proceeded to become aggressive towards male patrons in the bar, then began “chasing people” and finished by stabbing the roof of the bar with the knife.
Between you and me, the politicals murmurings say that Mike Baird has taken an emergency flight to Brazil in an effort to convince the monkey to become the mascot of the NSW lockout laws.
Have a great week everyone!