The art of courtship is dead, and I say bravo. Why chart lurid love letters when the eggplant emoji can get to your point faster?
See, the thing is, I’m not good with words. And yeah, I’m a writer, but not a very good one.
This not what I do; I sell keyboards.
I’ve been in the dating game since I was 14. I turn 30 this year. Between then and now, there has been many a night out, and much water under the bridge. At some point in proceedings, I got lazy. I didn’t give up, I’m not a quitter, I just got lazy. Because, well, because it’s easier. I look back at my earlier efforts at courtship and wonder how I had the stamina to keep it up.
But, fortunately, the world got lazier with me.
Suddenly the equation + sufficed.
According to this recent study, my behaviour is completely justified. Despite the assertion that I have a one track mind, the part of the study I wholeheartedly agreed with claimed that the eggplant emoji is the most used emoji euphemism.
Which is to not say that I don’t feel bad for the situation. Not for me, mind, but for my some of my friends. Well, one in particular. Great writer. Sees himself as a poet, you know – a bit of a , but a nice guy. He has all the words, but they do him no good. The people he likes misunderstand (or skim) his three-message-long invitations to dinner stanzas, wrote in early morning stupor; work that only comes clear by virtue of a lengthy explanation. Which he is sure to give. To them, and me also. It’s not his fault. Talk is a cheap commodity, and in the land of the emoji, I’m rich, bitch.
I honestly thought that the ease of the emoji courtship was due to those I was attracted to. I naturally assumed if I chased laureates, I’d have to try harder. Yeah, nah.
A woman I met, a doctor of complicated medicine, was the Oprah of emoji flirtation. Every line got an emoji, even when she was trying to explain a serious operation at work.
I tried to clamp the artery, but…
And while I weep for what’s lost (sort of) I will admit that the emoji has a major benefit, one that was not open to the previous generation: complete deniability.
In previous times, if you were to send a risky text, one that would either fire you over the wall of the friend zone into relationship land or forever consign you to the bin next to it, you would have to add the suffix “lol” or “haha.”
This insurance policy instantly undercut the point you were risking everything to get across. No more.
The beauty of the “” emoji, is that it is entirely subjective. It kids in its seriousness. For example, if your bold message is rebuffed, you were just kidding. But, saying that, they know you were serious. As The Sopranos taught us, “they know, but they don’t know.”
The complete destruction of language is a beautiful thing. And for those unsure, next time you have to make an introductory message, send this: