I’ve gone the full Doctor Doolittle this week because, you know, it’s my segment. So…animals!
The Feline I
This cat and I share something in common, and that’s a hatred for the rest of human society.
I’m kidding, I love people…well, some…kind of…I have my days.
So my favourite moments are when I somehow get the house to myself, no duties, friends are all busy, it’s just me free to be by myself in the comfort of my pyjamas and a bottle of gin. I’m all set lying on the reclining couch ready to re-commence my marathon of Seinfeld, oh yasss, when the doorbell rings and it’s my neighbour asking me to look after her two kids for a few hours.
See, this is what talking to your neighbours does. Anyway, she’s in a rush and has no one else.
Guilt trip, am I right!
So I say sure, no problem. All the while I’m pissed at myself for opening the freaking door, instead of hiding like any other normal person. Idiot!
Anyway, the picture of this cat is my exact facial expression when hearing anything that might knock on the door and ruin my planned day of no fucks.
The losing game
Ok if you win this game, which is impossible, then hats off to you…but you won’t win because it’s impossible!
How to pet an animal correctly
Ever go to pat a cat and they’re like “Ooh fuck yes, don’t stop,” then all of a sudden their eyes turn red, they growl like a possessed person in an exorcism, and turn batshit crazy and tear you up ’til you look like Carrie covered in pig’s blood. Well here is a guide to patting a cat or any other animal without having the need for stitches later.
A bird’s selfie
This bird’s work is bloody impressive. I wonder how many attempts it took to get it just right. I previously thought art was shit, but now I know the truth. Probably woke up in the morning and thought “Today’s the day Rocco, you’ve got this!”
Headline of the week…
Hug me, bitch!
I hate to admit it, but I’ve become a major hugger over the past few years. I’m a hug completist. I’ve catalogued the differing types. You’ve got the bear hug, the all warm-and-friendly-not-suss. The protector, a cute back hug from your SO. The pat…ok this is the worst hug in the world, you’re essentially saying “Hey nice to see you, but don’t touch me.”
Spooning, well unless the temperature is that of the sun, is amazing.
Anyway, I now relate to this bitch. I just can’t get enough.
And finally, the sentence I thought I’d never say.
“Man, I wish I could fist bump an otter right now!”