Game of Thrones‘ sixth season is upon us, and goddamn it, I have some questions.
Game of Thrones is back for season six and if you haven’t caught up, you probably weren’t one of the Australians who made up 12.5 percent of all illegal downloads of the HBO series this week. For real though, if you’re not caught up, stop reading now because this post is beset by darkness and many a spoiler.
Now that that is beyond us, I have some questions for D&D (Beinoff & Weiss), and much like Shireen Baratheon, they are burning questions.
Why is it a necessary thing for you to have women raped on their wedding nights?
As early as Khal Drogo and Danaerys, I’ve been bothered by this (especially because my book reading friends tell me the scene played out completely differently). Sansa? Was that necessary? Yeah, I get that Ramsay is a turd that needs to be flushed into the non-existent plumbing of Westeros, but for fricksake? My poor sweet precious little dove.
Where is Gendry? Is he still rowing? Has he eaten? Does he know Joffrey can’t come murder him now?
Seriously, his arms must be so buff by now. I need closure. Can he come find Arya in Braavos? Love is blind after all.
While we’re on the subject of Arya, it’s rumoured that the Stark children all have some kind of ability to warg; will she bring Nymeria back through Jedi mind tricks?
I always liked that wolf. Not many dogs make friends by biting kings, but girl, you’re alright.
When is Brandon coming back? Furthermore, where the hell is Rickon?
The Starks will endure? Endure what? Being forgotten about? We’ve got nearly no Starks left! Bring me my Starks and no one gets hurt.
Do you expect me to believe that Brienne missed Sansa’s sign but managed to find her in the forest at the very moment she was about to get rekt?
Mate, not buying it. As much as I love Sansa and am thrilled she is safe, too coincidental.
And Jorah Mormont magically finding Dany’s ring in the grass at the very spot he walked to first?
You and I both know that could have been more believable. I know he’s got some super stalker powers but maaaaaaaaaaate.
Why would the Sand Snakes kill off Oberyn’s entire family to avenge him and think that was an appropriate way?
Oberyn Martel? The guy who travelled to King’s Landing to fight to the death to avenge his sister? Who loves his family more than anything?! Ugh.
Was Dorne too expensive to film? Why didn’t you tell us?
We’d all chip in a dollar or two just to keep the damn Martells in the damn story. Excellent idea to do exactly what the Lannisters wanted just to go fight the Lannisters ya geniuses.
And surely the Sand Snakes know that stabbing someone through the back of the skull while he’s looking at someone else is a dog act?
You killed him, you killed their plotline!
Can the Wildlings please come back to Castle Black to avenge Jon Snow?
For the watch? Yeah well, how about this arrow to the chest, you treasonous twat?
Why didn’t Roose Bolton just leave Ramsay in the snow to die as a child?
Will season six please give us a scene with Melisandre standing atop The Wall belting out a dramatic rendition of Let It Go to summon the Lord of Light?
The cold never bothered me anyway.
Will the High Sparrow go after Jaime Lannister upon suspicion of his and Cersei’s relationship?
Because I’m not okay if he does. I know he pushed Bran out the window but I’m sure deep down he’s got a bit of remorse for that. Please leave old Matey Potatey Kingslayer alone.
Will Tyrion be restored to his former most-quotable glory?
Because no offence, you made him suck in that first episode.
And finally some the most burning questions:
How dare you make me feel sympathy for Cersei?
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Will Daenerys please just let the other two dragons out to murder some Sons of the Harpy?
When she escapes the Dothraki of course. Little babies need food.
CAN YOU PLEASE GET MELISANDRE TO BRING JON SNOW BACK?
My ovaries can’t handle a show without him.
Jess, of House Scully.