It seems the Coalition needs someone with FanFic writing skills to make Malcolm Turnbull appear more better, so I’m applying for the job.
Good afternoon, Mr Turnbull.
My name is Samuel Blacker and I am contacting you with regard to the currently vacant position of writer of media reports based on exaggerated praise to promote yourself or members of your party.
I understand you are looking for a team player to follow orders. I am willing to work the occasional extra hours on a Sunday at normal rates to nail the perfect piece of exaggerated praise.
After the past week of political hurdles your Government has failed to clear, I feel that my experience in writing complete fantasy and works of fiction could make me best suited to really put the shine back into the metal fences your Government is using to imprison refugees.
With my experience and pro-hard work attitude, I can turn any negative evidence-based claims into a shot in the arm for your (our) chances come July 2.
Is someone in your cabinet making jokes about neighbouring islands going under water because of climate change?
I can write about how much of a joker they are around the water cooler.
Are some members of your party starting to alienate and victimise young people who are discovering their sexuality?
Why not get me to write an in-depth piece about how much they love their children/niece and nephew/pet moodle?
I noticed that you have been copping a bit of flack over your choice to support Peter Dutton and his need to shoot his mouth off about refugees without checking reports his own department puts together.
With a few simple words, I could turn that from “Turnbull supports horrific refugee statements” to “Turnbull shows off his rose pruning skills”.
How about that whole business with the AFP raiding Labor MP’s homes?
Instead of being questioned about how closely connected you were to the decision to make those raids, let’s just lighten it all up with “Turnbull laughs off harmless AFP shenanigans while helping wife bake a casserole”.
With so many politicians’ families, favourite foods, tastes in music and experience raising farmyard animals left untouched, there is really so much I can cover to help bore the constituency into forgetting the fact you guys are helping destroy the Great Barrier Reef and farming tablelands in NSW.
And finally, with six weeks to go – and with Cory Bernardi still yet to drop a real clanger – can you afford to not have me on your team, to write about how much he prefers Australian-grown oranges or some other bullshit?
I would greatly appreciate any opportunity to really show everyone how much George Christensen loves puppies, or help share Eric Abetz’ tips to crucifix maintenance, and look forward to this exciting opportunity (and as it is a good job, purchasing a house as a direct result).