Celebrity and the Monaco Grand Prix go together like peas and carrots. That is, they did – until the deity Biebus jumped the fence.
For the uneducated, the Monaco Grand Prix is a bunch of millionaires fanging their millionaire automobiles up a hill past a millionaire Casino, and down the streets of millionaire houses, watched by millionaires in their millionaire yachts. For almost a hundred years, there has been a fine tradition of exclusion; there has always been something separating the race from the spectators.
It’s called a fence.
And yes, Justin, we’re talking to you.
Last night, a dreary, dank, and frequently “eh” clash of technology and high-speed grit was fought, and then vastly subverted, with “what are you doing here” irrelevance.
Like an apple stranded in the banana bit.
Much like that car crash of a metaphor, there was a car crash on the track, and after 78 laps, our Daniel (Ricciardo – the man who smiles so much I believe that he’s hiding something) was narrowly shaded to the champagne by the world’s most symmetrical haircut, Lewis Hamilton.
Nothing normal there, Monaco is notorious for a lack of excitement, and Lewis Hamilton wins, but that’s when it got hubristic.
After taking the flag, the first man to congratulate the winning driver was pop deity Justin Bieber. Now, this publication has a long and complicated history with Biebus, where we’re unsure if he is, in fact, the second coming, or he’s a bit of a…well, you know.
Leaning in, with the keen, if uneducated, language of an uncle on the cusp of losing his hair, Bieber told Hamiton that he “crushed that.”
— Formula 1 (@F1) May 29, 2016
Bieber then reiterated the sentiment on his Twitter account.
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) May 29, 2016
So what, you may be asking? Well, someone unlocked the gate, and we want to know who. Someone loosed the Canadian onto the concourse. For a society currently enamoured with the concept of the virtue of a closed door (see: Hodor), I’m expecting better from the track officials.
— Grande Prêmio (@grandepremio) May 29, 2016
It is nothing more of rank double standards. He even necked the victory champagne. I feel that Biebs already walks where we cannot, and now he walks where he shouldn’t, and it’s not right. If Elton John vaulted the fence, and ramshackled yet another cover of Candle in the Wind to honour Hamilton’s win, we’d collectively call for the stocks and/or send him to the new world.
Good win, English bro.
So, I realise that while us mere mortals cannot touch Biebus, we certainly can attach blame to our fellow mortals. So, our fine and educated audience, time to wax that moustache, and miss your marple, because there’s a crime that needs solvin’.
Who opened the gate?
Do you have any clues, or information pertaining to this case? Please put down your details on the back of a postcard and mail it to the office.
If your information leads to the capture of this miscreant, you will go into the draw to win a TBS branded step-ladder, and a T-Shirt that reads “Bieber made me do it”, in time for the 2017 Monaco Grand Prix.