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Stopping the trolls? There’s a thought (police)

Approx Reading Time-10With the UK set to roll out the ‘Thought Police’ to actively hunt down Internet trolls, we say it’s the right move. It’s already worked once before.




The plodders of the United Kingdom have a proud tradition of turning crime into fiction (*cough* Jack the Ripper), so much so that the motto on the crest of Scotland Yard may as well be, “If it can’t be solved, let the public solve it.” However, those who wield the truncheon and whistle (as we’ve spun backward through time to 1892, because, Brexit,) have shifted the Rubik’s Cube of the status quo topwise, “borrowing” a literary device from one Eric Arthur Blair – better known as George Orwell.

For those of you who hoped for socialist piggies who spoke fluent English, I apologise. What has been ripped out of the fictional pages of an alternate history are the faceless, gormless shadows of public opinion, everyone’s favourite jackbooted rodent enthusiasts, the Thought Police. The Metro Police (the real ones) have decided to slay the online trolls where they live, their houses, actively chasing these antagonists of existence through the never realms of Facebook and Twitter.

The cyber unit will be run by five detectives, who presumably will work from home in their jim-jams, with the assistance of “community volunteers”, who presumably are those irksome neighbourhood stickybeaks trained in the deadly art of Facebook stalking, and telling mum on them. The entire scheme is to cost a paltry 1.7 million pounds, which is not bad at all. Incidentally, that roughly equates to three Australian dollars, or a sack full of exotic spices harvested from the corners of the new world. #Tumeric

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Rightfully, we rail against our freedoms being impinged upon by political correctness with a badge. “How dare they remove our rights to chart a wonderfully hideous comeback!”, we pine, as we rack our minds for a comment that pins good taste to a wall before rearranging its intestinal makeup with a jagged bottle.

However, while our eyes read betrayal, and the sauce leaks from our Freedom Sandwich hanging in disbelief, know this: trolling – serious trolling, not your usual garden variety online gaming squabbles with an uppity teen – is a rather serious tango to know the steps to.

Needless to say, the hate of one who is different, hidden behind a wall of anonymity, is a thing that needs to be sent to the pit. While we decry these plots by law enforcement and/or the government as “too far, Tony” (hello there, 2015, we missed you) and that doomed to never work…this plan certainly will.

Because it’s worked before.

Let me tell you about one flabby, booze-addled, sex pervert that I know (not personally). His name was Winston Smith. He is what you call a troll. Even worse, his day job involved trolling history. He didn’t like himself, so it was, therefore, everyone else’s fault. So, what did he do? He decided to pick up a pen, and start trolling. He nothing to add to the conversation, so he picked one statement and stuck to it, ad-fucking-naseum:

Winston's message. Don't spread it.

Winston’s message. Don’t spread it.

While he was not the first troll (see: Martin Luther and the Catholic Church), he certainly popularised it. Even worse, he longed for other people to start trolling his trolling. Fortunately, the Thought Police (remember them?), stormed into the room when he was doing naughty things indeed with a lady person, and hit the block button.

On both of them.

Long story short, the Thought Police stopped a troll, and the world has a happier place for it.

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