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While you were asleep: Commuters left out, Apple leaves home, US/EU deal fails

Approx Reading Time-11Monday morning. Why. What happened while you were asleep? Well, we could see the forced migration of 25,000 commuters, Apple ditched the home button and the greatest limp effort of democracy since the last one.

 

Rail project could leave 25,000 commuters in lurch; for those about to bus, we salute you.

As dawn breaks over morning coffee, there are those who are being poked out of their comfort zones with news most foul. With the Bankstown Line potentially being “standardised”, which is train-industry waffle for making it the same, the commuters who use this line will be shepherded onto buses for the duration of the process. As reported by the Sydney Morning Herald, the magic number of disappointed people will be around 25,000. Tim Parker, the project director for Metro Trains (who clearly drives to work) said that the usual weekend trackwork gambit “actually isn’t the best outcome”, before justifying the longer closures by incorrectly referencing My Fair Lady: “It would be lovely, if we do have a longer possession …wouldn’t it be great when people come back and they have a brand new station to use.”

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For those of you who just thought, “Well, the bus is as good as the train,” you poor, naive fools, you. For the challenges these people face are indeed not cream tea with granny. The rail bus is one of the most reviled of first-world antagonists. Now, the main problem with the rail bus is the people that inhabit it. Usually split, or at least buffered by space, those who inhabit the train, the ones you don’t care for, can be avoided. However, with that space removed, the ugliness of the commute is set to get all the more personal.

And that’s personal as in “personal space”. So, my brave brave souls who commute on the Bankstown Line, we here at TBS earnestly salute your sacrifice. You’ve given up what little space you’re given, for the greater good of the commonwealth (‘s transit system track ratio thingy).

 

iPhone set to move out of home (button format).

In a move that has puzzled many, Apple will apparently be removing the home button from the face of their devices from 2017 onwards. The move, according to Apple, will be to increase screen size. We say hoorah to that.

However, we at TBS have spotted a problem. The home button is iconic, a function deeply entrenched in our Apple experience. It breaks, we move on to assistive touch, our friends ask why we don’t fix it, and eventually we might. That delicate cosmic ballet, that linking of hand between man and device will be severed. Hopefully, to ease us into the transition, I earnestly hope above hope that Apple introduces a completely superfluous and unreliable function on the ’17 model. #Tradition

 

Free trade agreement between the US and EU fails, no-one is admitting it, says Government representative.

The trade agreement that would bathe two acronyms in the sweet fragrance of free trade has gone somewhat off. However, according to Germany’s Vice Chancellor, Sigmar Gabriel, “Nobody is really admitting it.” In the fourteenth round of discussions (yeah), the two financial behemoths again came together to disagree on essentially everything, with not one solitary chapter, out of twenty seven, up for discussion.

Seeing as we’re not involved, we can admire it for what is it. A truly impressive diplomatic clusteryouknowwhat in a year of truly impressive diplomatic clusteryouknowwhats, (*cough* Brexit) which ironically may have been one of the thousand final nails driven into the corpse of the talks, as the UK was one of the biggest supporters of the deal, before mysteriously disappearing from Europe, after not coming home after going down to the shops one morning.

If you have information on the whereabouts of the United Kingdom, please contact the European Union, on this free toll number. Ask for Angela.

 

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