Morning! What happened while you were asleep, and I was awake, typing this? Apple pushed for more by giving us less, Denmark cut some hackers a cheque and humpback whales were taken off the endangered list! Huzzah!
Apple launch new features alongside same old smugness.
I’ve noticed something. Whenever Apple launch something, it’s always some old gent wandering around a darkened stage, talking with his hands, word’s delivered in a “because of course we did” timbre. Needless to say, Apple have done it again, because of course they did:
— Pete Pachal (@petepachal) September 7, 2016
Whoa. Moving swiftly on from cynicism, the launch mainly focused on the long awaited iPhone 7, which now promises features that force our hand onto our hip, sporting two (yeah, two) 12MP cameras for some reason, and promising the long-awaited water proofing. Let us pause to remember those poor drowned iPhones, lost by virtue of being born too early.
But the boldest move stems from the filling in of the headphone jack, opting for entirely wireless technology:
— Mashable GIF (@mashablegif) September 7, 2016
This is all well and good; no more tangled cords, treading on your last nerves, as you desperately try to separate them to gain some sweet, sweet refuge from the brutalities of the day, but I see two problems. A) As an Apple user beset by clumsiness and bad luck, the only thing saving my iPhone from an unscheduled trip to the floor has been a desperate grab of the headphones, and B) they cost $159. Best covered by the cynics on Twitter:
Courage is buying the $159 Apple Air Pods and then going home to tell your spouse what you bought and for how much. #AppleEvent
— Richard Hay (@WinObs) September 7, 2016
Denmark purchases Panama Papers as evidence, may open door worldwide.
Oh. The Panama Papers. Remember that fiasco? Back in April, the world stood aghast, then sifted through the towering e-pile of paper to glean some dirty Class A goss. (And for one writer, typing the non-sensical name “Mossack Fonseca” until my fingers bled, and my brain screamed in protest. Mossack Fonseca.) However, History’s biggest leak seems to have been consigned to just that: history.
Denmark will buy documents leaked from the law firm at the heart of the Panama Papers https://t.co/wxuUd173lk
— The New York Times (@nytimes) September 7, 2016
Until now. Using a great degree of business nous (buying low) the Danish Government has directly purchased a select ream of information, namely tax-evaders in their own country, in an effort to prosecute off-shore fund hiding chicanery. The princely (Hamlet represent) sum the Danes paid a man with no name was:
The question I can hear you silently mouth is “Can they do that?”, and the question of moral/ethical guidelines clangs on the floor like a rusty flick knife, with Dennis Flydtkjær, an MP with the Danish People’s party, saying that he was sceptical about the deal but that “in this case we can be prepared to bend our principles”. He did add that the Danish Government was losing billions, so the subtext here is A) profit and B) the ends justifying the means.
All due respect to the Danish economy here, but the world seems to care not for it. What is important is the transaction. If this information nets conviction one, then the different kettle of kippers this represents will be poured into the worldwide fiscal bouillabaisse, which is to say that it’ll be game on.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bury my money in the yard…
I don’t have any money.
Humpback whales removed from endangered species list, world 24 hours too late to celebrate “Humpback Day”.
As Don Adams (and my pisstank Grandfather, Joe Adams, in an impersonation of,) once said:
“Missed it…by that much.”
The most important point, of course, was the fact that nine out of 14 humpback species were liquid papered off the endangered species list. Having sufficiently recovered from commercial whaling over the last 50 years, the federal government can break out the high-fives for bringing humpback’s back (yeah!). (Nice JT reference – Ed.)
Here’s a graph.
— AFP news agency (@AFP) September 7, 2016
Two things. Just realised that the lazy Humpback Day pun works over in the US, but sadly, much like Netflix or C-grade celebrity, Australia got it far too late. However, closing on a good note, this week has been an important one in conservation of familiar animals, with the humpback now casually meeting the giant panda for coffee to discuss how they will continue to exist.
Oh, happy day.