Bored in your relationship but still in it for the benefits? Well, fortunately a program called LoveBot has your back. You callous bastard.
Let’s be fair. Advancements in technology have always possessed a murky, sleazy undercurrent. For every space rocket we erect, there’s a silent moan of “When will we get to the sex?”. From Weird Science, the cutting edge of 1980’s babe-tech, to Austin Power’s weakness (and wife) the Fembot, all the way to Fry’s joust-droid that wore the face of Lucy Liu in Futurama, the subtextual cyborg two-step is a tradition steeped in the awkward giggling knowledge that that day will come. (And us with it.)
Fortunately (unfortunately – Ed), that day is not here yet, but as we mark them off on the calendar, we have a substitute. LoveBot, a program loosely labelled as “the thoughtful husband or wife that you aren’t”, cashes in on the well-meaning, but forgetful spousal demographic. Like any great electric love appendage, the program has three speeds: Love, Casual, and Motivational.
Love throws emotional barbs from the bard, with bae getting woo pitched from dead genius Willy Shakespeare; Casual just drops your location to them (which could double as a tracking tool accompanied by a societal whip-cracking sound effect) with Motivational, for some reason, giving them quotes from people such as hockey impresario Wayne Gretzky.
— TechCrunch (@TechCrunch) September 11, 2016
You set the frequency of your feelings to bombard your soul mate on carefully regimented timeslots during the week. If that’s not love to you, perhaps you don’t know what love is.
And frankly, if a man like Gretzky, with 894 goals under his belt, can’t help you score…well…