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The ceasefire between Brad and Angelina has emboldened the bitter Jennifer Aniston supporter, otherwise known as the Jendamentalist. Here’s why you should be alert, and very alarmed.
September 21st, 2016. A date that will live in infamy. As you read this, two disparate groups, powered by clashing ideologies, are arming themselves to the teeth to do battle. With keys and tears likely to be spilt on the battlefield, it’s best that we infuse a sense of moderation between these two parties, especially as one clings to an outdated faith informed by the archaic slanted tome, Friends, its lessons held as unshakeable belief. While it may be fiction, the threat is real.
I write this not to scaremonger or colour opinion, but just as a warning. The rise of the #TeamJen fundamentalists, or “Jendamentalists”, is a potentially terrifying prospect for those who enjoy freedom. Freedom of being able to go about their daily lives without enduring a reference to an irrelevant mid-1990’s comedy, and/or the actress within it.
I write this too, with a quavering but bold hand. I fully expect Jendamentalist backlash; to be felled in a public place by gif, sharpened Tribbiani “zinger” or drowned in a fountain, as my demise is witnessed by those sitting on the couch adjacent. But nonetheless, I feel this threat must be dispelled. You see, these followers of Aniston have had a decade of their views reinforced by their own moral assurance that they are correct. Jennifer was wronged, the original sin, and thusly, that will be avenged.
They, fundamentally, can not be shaken from that belief. It’s what unites them.
Honestly if you haven’t been #TeamJen since day one, then your priorities are all wrong anyway.
— Mary Harvilla (@harymarvilla) September 20, 2016
The ends, therefore justify the memes.
— Sarah Odom (@sb_odom) September 21, 2016
What to do if you are cornered by a Jendamentalist in the safety of your own home.
Dealing with a Jendamentalist is a particularly tricky proposition. Much like the snake, they can not be reasoned with. They may see your mouth moving, be it discussing the economy, or Manus, or the welfare changes, but they will not respond. The Jendamentalist is a binary force. They seek only the expansion of their solitary belief. Reconditioning is out of the question, as their education is deeply sewn. The production values of their propaganda are key to their recruitment, which relies on heavy sensory repetition (usually a repeated musical trigger), and a Pavlovian manipulation of the subject’s feelings – being told when to laugh, cry etc, on command.
In the interest of research, we at The Big Smoke have procured some of the aforementioned material, bearing in mind that law prevents us from publishing the footage in its entirety, and we advise you watch this at your own risk. We take no responsibility for you, or any family members becoming a Jendamentalist.
The group may seem casual, but – again with the snake metaphor – if you see one lying on the footpath in front of you, it is best to avoid them at all costs as they guise death threats through relaxation, and can strike at any time:
— Cami Clarkson (@camiclarkson) September 21, 2016
It seems today, that they are in a celebratory mood, but do not assume that they no longer have the appetite for destruction. The ceasefire between Brad and Angelina means nothing. Vigilance is key.
Look for the warning signs, before the Jendamentalists action the grand plan they speak of, The one where they take vengeance on the one with the lips.