TBS Newsdesk

#AusPol winners and losers: Who won the pie eating contest this week?

Approx Reading Time-10The reanimation of a corpse, a senator dropping bombs and an atomic friend-zoning was all present this week in #AusPol. So, who won?

 


Politics, as we know, is a game of inches, where the size of one’s…policy…matters. An arena where the laurels of victory are doled to those who can speak longest, those who can completely avoid answering questions in their allotted time. In our PM’s case, 12 months (and counting). Nevertheless, the vague, albeit magnificent nutcasery flipped down the corridors of power makes it hard to chart a winner. But, we here at TBS Towers don’t play that. Up with this, we shall not put. We voted, so, thusly, we want a result, not just a lesser of the two whomever showed up to work until 2019.

Each week we’ll traipse through the mucky-muck to elevate the arm of those who fought to the bottom of the oozing pit of political discourse in this fine land.

 

Winners

Malcolm Turnbull: for going full OG, and in the words of my dear departed mother: dayum. For those who knocked the political nous of Mally T, for those detractors who thought the corpse of Turnbull couldn’t dance no more, this week, he announced his return:

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Like when Ali shocked everyone by felling Foreman in Zaire, this week’s superb rope-a-dope of the maligned ABCC poopie sandwich was outstanding. You can’t debate what your eyes don’t see. Rumble, young Mal, rumble. Ahhh. The ABCC, if we all cast our minds back, was the pretext for the early election and seven-week jaunt through the seven circles of electoral hell. So, when it rose once more in parliament, you’d think surely we’d be talking about it. Well…nope! The Great Right Hope supremely avoided the issue, enabled by the shape of David “Leftie” Leyonhjelm awkwardly wobbling over the hill on a shetland with shotguns in hand.

Aided and abetted by Antonis Ab, the debate was much on the purported horse-trading, or the tearing-down of the treasured Howard gun control laws, and not the ABCC, which the potential bartering of deals was actually for. Outstanding parliamentary footwork. Malcolm, you the greatest.

 

Penny Wong: for putting the “ability” in “accountability” in this week’s “Have you done your work this week” sweepstakes otherwise known as the estimates hearing. Penny joins the winners circle this week by virtue of having moves like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Substitute the good-time chicanery of mixing drinks in a place called Kokomo; Penny brought nothing but a Margarita of rusted barb wire, rimmed with the salt of governmental responsibility. And drink it you must or she’ll make you another one.

All we need is to subtly edit the Ricki Lake theme music, and we can all raise the roof and wobble “Go Penny”.

 

Losers

The Notorious 76: for the mortal flogging of a dead equine. The number of the beast, which is no Megadeth song, nor is it a Sergio Leone spaghetti western faff, references those who voted for the plebiscite in the Lower House, knowing full well that it’ll be redirected to the glue factory soon after its introductory clip-clop into the Senate.

 

GetUp!: for outing bae. As the old adage goes, all’s fair in love and war. Which is true. But it’s a bit schoolyard to yell aloud “Guess who likes me, but I don’t like them trololololol”. Pity then, poor heartbroken Eric Abetz, who’s suffered such a brutal reverse by having his love-note read to everyone in the Twitterverse by those he wanted to bang, GetUp!. Just like you did to me in Year 5, Amy Lyons. Sorry.

But you know what? The amount of work you’ve put into letting Eric know you’re not interested, makes me think you are interested. Look, he loves animals, give him a chance, you could do worse! Do it for the little quackers.

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It’s one night, no-one will know.

 


Also on The Big Smoke


 

Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson” – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh, goes to:

Grace Collier: for solving the unemployment problem by suggesting on QandA that the unemployed start their own business, before pressing Greens Leader Richard di Natale to prove the genius of her plan, by doing exactly what she said.

Moving aside from the obvious point that the unemployed have no money to start a business, she’s asking someone who has a job, a public servant no less, to prove her point, which he opposes, by goading him in the classic “well, I bet you can’t do it” playground schtick. In response Di Natale said “I’m a little busy now”.

Oh dear.

 

The “Bushie” – the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact”, goes to:

Peter Dutton: for blaming the inaccessible housing market on “the bikies”. Um, what?

Outstanding Bushie there, which was made all the more special by the reaction that it drew from the crowd, and in particular the MP for Lindsay, Emma Husar:

 

 

 

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