Embittered payback, skipping homework and dad humour. No, it’s not my formative years, it was this week in #AusPol!
Each Friday, The Big Smoke will recap the highlights and lowlights in the week of #AusPol’s winners and losers. So who placed where in this week’s table?
Barnaby Joyce – for having a tight celeb rebound game. Barnaby has bagged another impressive celebrity crush, with Patron Saint of the Hipsters (and five-alarm-man-crush of our Editor-In-Chief) Morrissey, of The Smiths fame, penning him a lurid mash note about his favourite animals (which is to say, all of them).
“You can deny it until you are red(der) in the face”: Morrissey sledges Barnaby Joyce over live-export. pic.twitter.com/7sdybXVrqY
— Rachel Eddie (@heyracheddie) October 30, 2016
And well done, Barnaby. Well done for not being put off being criticised by celebrities after the whole Johnny Depp pickle.
And Mr Morrissey, if you’re reading, I know that Joyce really hates your music, especially as The Smiths, so if you were to reform, for say, a seven-concert tour of his front lawn, I really believe that he’d change his mind about livestock trafficking.
Mike Baird – for reaching peak #bants (and for everyone on his staff for making sure he went through with it). That Baird man poked the thousandfold millennials where it hurts the most, the graffito tags, taking the mickey out of the mural that took the mickey out of him.
“Rekt”, as the children say.
Also on The Big Smoke
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who risked their pension this week?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who won the pie eating contest this week?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who guessed the correct number of jellybeans?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who won the weekly badge draw?
Bob Day – for not being able to quit properly. Every dog has its day. If that dog was named Bob, however, you’d get two. Which’d make you a sad pupper. The former/current/former Family First senator had to grimly wake up from his political dream (or as one Twitterphile put it: “Bob Day was resigning to spend more time with his creditors” – trolololololol), however his glacial, meandering trope to the door was redirected to the spotlight. Squinting in the face of such a light, Day answered many pointy questions indeed, the most pressing being: “Were you even legally elected in the first place?”
Right. Just to recap, we’re stopping a man’s slip into obscurity, so we can drag him across the besa-bricks to ensure his slip into obscurity.
Reminds of that extremely fatigued comedy line of “Well, you can’t quit, because you’re fired”.
Sussan Ley – for parliamentary application of the term “tl;dr”. Appearing on the smug rapier-dance that is QandA, the Health Minister found herself defending the party’s extremely unpopular life-time ban on asylum seekers; fair cop, as she toes the party line she should know the steps. However, much like the drunken Nutbush at everyone’s bogan union, she “outhoused” when she should have “courthoused”, stepping on the feet of the Coalition, and directly contradicting the policy announced by Minister for Immigration and Border Protection (and general empathy enthusiast) P-Dutty, along with PM Malcolm Turnbull, only one day earlier.
At least the audience (and the Tina Turner of that Thunderdome, Tony Jones) gave Ley-Ley a break, right?
(No. No, they didn’t.)
Also on The Big Smoke
- While you were asleep: Our data returned, Maduro’s footloose remake, Fassbender not Bond
- While you were asleep: Brand new Day allegations, Tony’s almost return, social media green-lights stalking
- While you were asleep: Asteroid near miss, Ley Ley on QandA, Star in violent strife
- While you were asleep: Robb’s new job, Hillary’s new email, Baird’s bad joke
The “Golden Emerson”, awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh, goes to:
Boris Johnson – for pulling on nostalgic heartstrings and reminding us what true political nutcasery was all about in the good-old days. You know, like Uncle Boris used to make, in the good old seaside revelry of the Brexit days. Ah, youth.
Johnson made his feelings known about the future, stating that the UK would make a “Titanic success” of the upcoming Brexit.
Note, not satire.
UK Foreign Secretary @BorisJohnson:
— Damon (@damocrat) November 3, 2016
The “Bushie”, the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact”, goes to:
Andrew Robb – who refused to accept any criticism on his extremely well-timed, and mildly suss, new job. Long story short, he works for the company that bought the Darwin Harbour that he supported.
In response to criticisms, Robb-Robb planted: “It takes resolve to break through a lot of the prejudices that are around.”
Subtext: “hb8trz gunna h8”