#AusPol winners and losers: Who stole the cookie from cook-ook-ie jar?

Approx Reading Time-11Some sweet labelling, a nineties throwback and truckload of sour grapes defined #AusPol this week. But who won?


Every Friday, The Big Smoke dissects the leftovers of the week’s political violence in an attempt to tally the damage done and to praise the precision of deathblows dealt. With no further ado, here are this week’s winners and losers in the brutal spectator sport called #AusPol.



The alt-Right: for attaining a Voldemort level of feared respect. The rise of the alt-Right has been felt on both sides of the Atlantic. As a recent article said in the land of the free, “Call the ‘alt-Right’ movement what it is: Racist as Hell”. Political analyst JK Rowling knew this when she got all the characters to call Voldemort “he who shall not be named”, but as she displayed, the lesser name didn’t mean diddly – in fact it did the reverse as Voldemort rose to greater heights with a tall glass of Butterbeer on his arm in the form of sweet lady Bellatrix, as all the other weenies cowered in fear.


Incidentally, if you went to Hogwarts as a middling student, would it just shit you off that some famous tool rocks up, doesn’t go to class, generally destroys shit, and is lauded as a hero for it? The system is broken. #I’mWithMalfoy #Draco2020


John Howard and Paul Keating: for bringing nostalgia back (yeah). As our country swiftly changes into two opposing camps of radical thought, continuity is a beautiful and cherished thing – a sign that for all the change, things are not that different. This was on display on the ABC recently as the two carmine-heeled warriors of political discourse were wheeled out to give their take on the current landscape. Much like the days of yore, each man played their part; Keating stealing the show with his quicksilver wit and wordsmithery.

The ’90s live again. Isn’t it wonderful?

Also on The Big Smoke


The Mardi Gras organising committee: for letting the bad guys win. This week saw the name “Turnbull, M + 1” gleefully scratched off the guest list of next year’s parade. I see where the committee is coming from, but is not banning the opposition from attending also forgoing a chance to convince them, and perhaps remind them the location of their station?

I mean it would be your classic win-win if Malcolm was allowed to go. He’d either be convinced of the free-vote, or at the very least, suffer three hours of torrid abuse. I personally hope Malcolm gets a reprieve, or some drag-queens take it upon themselves to go as Malcolm and Lucy.

Please make it happen.


The 20,000 who signed the petition to save Steve Price: for marching over the cliff to the wrong tune. Earlier in the week Steve Price was perceived to be attacked on the The Project, so his supporters got out of their chairs, went over to their computer chairs, opened their computers, signed the petition in his aid and were mid-scream when Mr Price publicly announced that he wasn’t bullied and that he can look after himself.

I mean beyond the twenty thousand angry roars that quickly morphed into a faux-yawn, that’s a lot of a disappointed believers. Think of the many petitions you may have signed to shut down Manus, only to have those behind the wire say, “Nah dude, we’re actually good, we like it here.”

Also on The Big Smoke

Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson” – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh, goes to:

Malcolm Turnbull: when speaking of the division of Labor (lols, kek, roflcopter) in regards to the US alliance deal saying that “on the other hand, you have the Right of the party trying to crab-walk back from where she (Sen. Wong) has gone.”

Eh? Trying to unravel this clusterfuck of a sentence will make you seek the oven as Sylvia Plath did, but let’s focus on one part.

Crabs walk sideways. If you crab-walk backwards, you fall over.


Well played, Prime-Minister-san.



The “Bushie” – the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact”, goes to:

Joe Siracusa: for stating on QandA that Trump was “as dumb as Ronald Reagan and meaner than Richard Nixon.” It may turn out to be true but come on now, the man hasn’t even started yet. Let the man make his own awful legacy.

Moreover, Reagan famously stated that he’d started a nuclear war with Russia live on-air, purely for the lols. Trump would never do that. He’s bezzie besties with Vlad. Imagine those two out on the town. Boiyz!


Share via