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While you were asleep: Brandis sledges co-workers, Pope forgives abortion, juggling becomes more lame

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Approx Reading Time-10Morning! What happened while you were asleep? Well, Brandis made things awkies passing judgment, but the Pope forgave, and there is no forgiveness for combat juggling.

 

Brandis makes line to cafeteria awkies, calls out “mediocre” co-workers.

We’ve all been there: saddled with the scores of talentless hacks in the workplace, where invariably the work that they should be doing ends up becoming yours. But, in the quest to not rock the boat, you carry on, grind your teeth and do your best to not drive your balled fist into the faux-oak of your desk in disgust when they go over your head to management to try and chisel you out of your job. Suffice to say, snitches get stitches.

Which brings us to George Brandis. The man with few friends may have just gotten a few fewer, as he was caught deriding the Queensland LNP as “not very good”. As far as insults go, it’s fairly tame, but therein lies the charm. Brandis’ barb has the weight of a teacher, or administrator, or parent who had nothing to offer you but their honest disappointment.

On behalf of all of us here at The Big Smoke, especially the mediocre staff, we say: well played.

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On the subject of Brandis, the Government is set to roll out whistleblower protection laws which would see us go from the outhouse to the penthouse. To gain the votes on the movement, sweeping change was needed to secure the raised hands of Senators Xenophon and Hinch.

But not everyone is happy, as the crossbenchers who secured the change were tarred with the brush of “caving” to the Government. Criticism was led by Jacqui Lambie, who got rather smutty with the metaphors saying “I would like to know why we all went to a double-D, and weren’t prepared to compromise”.

Considering the wafer-thin nature of the Senate, expect this electoral cleavage to become standard, Jacqui.

 

Pope extends ability to forgive “grave sin” of abortion.

Well, that’s just misleading. Proving that the Holy Catholic Church possesses some sweet juxtaposition technique, Pope Francis penned a letter that granted special powers to his flock, allowing priests to absolve the act of abortion. Great, right? Well, he also mentioned that it remains a “grave sin”, but, most importantly, stated the following:

In extending the ability to absolve, first granted in 2015, the ability to do so lies in the hands of the staff. Although, it’s fair to mention that as the abortion issue has ratcheted up the rhetoric over in the States, it’s good to see some logic, or at least empathy from those who do not make the choice, but choose to judge.

Amen.

 

Juggling becomes new sport, somehow becomes even more lame.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a why the fuck am I typing this sentence? According to Twitter, because why would they lie like that, “combat juggling” is:

That collection of letters when brought to life, looks like this:

So it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…a sport. Presumably taken up by those street magician/busker types who try to use their ability to throw pieces of plastic in the air as a metaphor for their sexual virility, whilst simultaneously underpinning your lack of worth as a partner.

There are some online who endeavour to see this sport make it to the international collection of strange sports that no-one gives a fuck about the rest of the time, the Olympics. And why not, I say. If someone wants to get up at 5am for four years to reach the pinnacle of combat juggling, I say we let them. I can only hope that the clashing of juggling objects somehow rips the universe in twain by the force of friction and the copious amount of sex not being had, that way no-one can trace the genesis of support to this sentence.

I need coffee.

 

The top five #AusPol Tweets from overnight:

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