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Human blood rejuvenates mice, teenagers become valuable commodity

Approx Reading Time-10Science: Human blood rejuvenates mice; human-battery farms open immediately (strangely popular in Florida, USA – though we don’t know why).




What is the Matrix? Control. A computer-generated dream world, built to keep us under control in order change a human being into this:


Image: The Matrix / Warner Bros


Well, it’s somewhat true. Although that technology has yet to reach something worthy of a monologue, delivered to a dated techno beat to explain it, we know we’re not that far off, Neo.

Over in the crazed labs of Progress, USA, an endeavouring group of scientists has been removing the plasma from teenagers (don’t ask how) and planting it in the enfeebled wrinkled bodies of the rodents of yesteryear. The results are a class-five level whoa, which makes the ageing and the mad among us rub their hands together with gleeful possibility.

Apparently, the results gleaned from rodents with the blood of youth coursing through their grey veins showed increases in memory, cognitive ability and improved physical capability. “How”, you ask?

Well, the idea had its genesis when the same scientists involved stitched together mice in some sort of icky “Mousenstein” experiment so that two would share one blood system (metaphorically, right? – Ed), enabling the scientists to better measure the effects of the implanted blood. The elderly half of this abomination acted significantly younger, despite the horrors it had recently endured, whereas the young half of the pair acted older, presumably to seem cooler around the lab.

Also on The Big Smoke

Fortunately, the hacksaw remained firmly in the drawer, as the control mice were injected with the blood of 18-year-olds twice a week for the duration of the study. What the scientists found was evidence of neurogenesis; for those playing at home, the creation of new cells. Sakura Minami from Alkahest, the company that ran the test, says she and her team have ideas about what exactly in the blood is responsible for these rejuvenating benefits but aren’t able to say just yet.

Well Minami-san, allow us to play the assumption game, and lazily tie in our movie reference. Would this lead to a surge in the teen-battery farm industry? Will our progeny only exist to extend our own pitiful existences? Should you lock your teenager in the basement in the meantime? Yes, yes and oh, yes.

Allow me to editorialise for a moment. Teenagers. We’ve all been one, and seen one. It was a confusing time where disappointment was beset by more disappointment. We’ve all loathed the directionless drift of being or having one, so, would shepherding them into a shed, and giving them a job be the worst thing for them? Eh? Would it, kids? Eh? Better than that wibbity-wobbity flim-flam rubbish you take that Dolly to. Eh? Christ, I’ve become my parents.


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